


Memories turn to dust (I got you)

by RasTroubleChild



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Author has a lot of feelings about Jyn Erso, Don't look me in the eyeball, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Rey is Pansexual, You're Welcome, firefighter Ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 22:51:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19186909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RasTroubleChild/pseuds/RasTroubleChild
Summary: Who would've thought vomiting on someone could be a great icebreaker?orRey's life in relation to the Organa/Solo/Skywalker clan.Specifically one Solo.





	Memories turn to dust (I got you)

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently I process stuff that happened to me by making Rey go through it. And then it escalates from there. This gets progressively more explicit. Sorry?
> 
> I can't post this without saying how much I love the positivity in this fandom. It's such a creative place to be. Strap in guys, this one's a wild ride.

"Hey, girl. Wake up."

 

Rey jolts awake, instantly noticing the way her stomach cramps painfully.

 

There's a guy crouching at her feet, irritatedly snapping his fingers in front of her nose, wearing the expression, Rey thinks, of a disappointed parent- if she'd had one.

 

"Where am I?" she slurs, tongue dry in her mouth. And talking was a Mistake TM because bile creeps up her throat.

 

"Oh, good, she lives. _Jesus_ ," the guy rubs a hand over his face, sticking his head out the door to yell, "Dameron, what the fuck!"

 

He turns back to her, hunching in on himself to seem less imposing. Honestly, it's not working; in that black cloak, he looks like a mountain. The light from the landing streams into the room so half his face is also obscured by shadow, plus stray strands of black hair and the fabric of his hood.

It comes back to Rey slowly, how at some point, she followed a fat ginger cat in this dark room seeking shelter from the noise, someplace cooler, after naively trusting a bunch of strange girls with the mixers downstairs. The recliner she's on is incredibly uncomfortable; what is it with Ikea and these fucking wooden armrests. There is also something lumpy under her butt - a coat, she realizes. _Oh_.

 

"You're at Poe's Halloween party, this is his study. Can you tell me who you came with?" he asks. "You go to college with Finn?" The timbre of his voice is so throaty and deep, it takes her a moment to translate the sound into meaning.

 

Or maybe that's the cocktail of undetermined spirits currently surfing Rey's bloodstream.

 

"F-- Finn," Rey nods, and again - what a terrible idea - she hiccups. Sour. Ew gross.

 

"Easy there." Cloak guy clears his throat, "Look; I don't know when, but, uh-- yeah, you've been sick." He points at her outfit to clarify and, yup, she smells it then too, that's one-hundred percent vomit all down the front of her cheap, red princess buttercup costume, a lot trickled down the side of her thighs; it's cold and slimy. Nice.

 

"So, you know, it might be wise to freshen up." He raises his hands, non-threatening. "I'm just going to help you get to the bathroom, and then I'll find Finn, okay?"

 

Rey really doesn't want to nod or speak at all, she'd prefer to reserve some presence of mind to be embarrassed, but can't think past the tilting room or burning in her nose.

 

Fortunately, before Rey has to do anything, someone clad in an orange jump-suit stumbles into the room. _Him_ , she recognizes at least - that's Finn's undying pilot crush.

 

"Kylo? What the fuck," Poe says, flicking on the light and well that's too bright, dude.

 

Rey's eyes adjust, gradually building to a splitting headache.

 

"That's my line," deadpans he - Kylo? "Way to host a party, man. She can't be old enough to drink; that's how kids drown in their own vomit. Come on," he adds to her, gently grasping her elbows. "Up, up we go."

 

Rey squints at him hard, mildly offended because where she's from, nineteen is _above_ the drinking age - if admittedly being on the weaker side of the argument in her current state, she's not usually a total disaster of a person, okay? Rey gets drunk exactly _never_.

 

But with the hood of his cape sliding down, she can see that he _is_ older than her by a good few years, all sharp angles and regal features. And entirely at odds with the intense deep-brown eyes and awfully plush lips, a constellation of birthmarks lend him a boyish charm - _deceptive_ , something tells her.

 

The resemblance niggles there in the back of her mind, though Rey's glad suddenly, for being rendered silent, or she'd be compelled to tell him how pretty his hair is.

 

The moment she stands, her knees buckle, and she squawks ever so elegantly as he swoops her up, almost methodically, like he'd expected no less; apparently also unconcerned with the stench or sick smeared on her robes. He's broad and solid, taller than anticipated, towering over everyone. He instructs Poe to get Finn, then ducks through the doorway down the hall.

 

Rey exceeds the average height for girls, but the ground is suddenly so far away - her stomach flips dangerously.

 

Evidently, he's also someone people simply _move_ for, since the line at the bathroom parts without prompting. He sets her down on the tiles, plucks a towel from the rack, runs it under water before offering it to her.

 

"Thanks," she heaves out and hides her face in it. "Fuck, 'm sorry."

 

Kylo chuckles then, and between the rich echo of that and the cool fabric on her skin, she sobers a little. "Don't sweat it, kid, you're fine. Aiming for my coat couldn't have been deliberate. At least, I hope. I didn't even get a chance to earn your disapproval."

 

Even the teasing tone feels practiced somehow - pragmatic - as though he deals with this frequently; calming strangers. Rey would love to ask, but alas her thoughts are currently less than coherent.

 

"Jus' did," Rey slurs instead, weakly kicking out a leg in his estimated direction and immediately regretting it when she topples over.

 

But she hears him snort. "Uh huh," he says, mild, gingerly righting her again. "I'm definitely the asshole here."

 

Finn finds them to take over, excellently applying his sensible bedside manner by feeding her sips of water and dry snacks and taking her home, until everything, including this encounter, blends into one galactic blur of an evening.

 

*

 

"Rough night, kid?" Han asks her the next day, with that pointed look of his, trying to, once again, slip her a few bills for his order which he knows full-well anyone here at Coffee Rebels will decline.

 

Captain Solo is, after all, Maz's favorite patron and, to Rey - though she's known Han in person longer - he and his on-again-off-again wife, congresswoman Leia Organa, are people she's rapidly grown to care about.

 

Because leaving London behind had been heavily influenced by Han's investment to realize Rey's potential in specialized mechanical engineering. Despite being flattered by the offer, it took about a year for her to be convinced, during which he kept returning to Unkar Plutt's garage near Heathrow's private airfield out in the middle of nowhere. And after communicating with the development director of Leia's non-profit organization about visa sponsorship, it would've been foolish to turn down the opportunity of transferring to study at one of the best Universities.

 

In the end, nothing was keeping Rey. As it were, her online-bestie, Finn, was in his second year of pre-med in New York already and Maz as his aunt turned out to know Han and Leia well.

 

So once Rey's papers were sorted, hitching a ride on the Falcon during one of Han's regular routes was oddly simple. As if a universal force aligned just for her to fold into this new life.

 

As things escalated at Plutt's junkyard, almost a month ago, Han had declared he'd smuggle Rey into the states if need be - she believed him, too.

 

"Quit yelling," she winces now, sliding his money back. Luckily the cafe is quiet on Sunday afternoons, and no one's actually shouting. Hangover aside, after only a few days working here, it's Rey's favorite place, second only to the Solo airfield's workshop. "You know we went to Poe's thing, or so Finn tells me. Don't you dare laugh," she warns haughtily. "I'm not that much of a lightweight. There were 'themed' cocktails. Halloween originates from Ireland, you know, that should've meant whiskey; Guinness at most."

 

To his credit, Han's doing an excellent job of keeping up his usual grouchy facade right until: "Sorry, I asked," then his brow quirks, "princess."

 

"Go sit. Don't think I won't tell Maz on you!"

 

"Now who's yelling?" He calls Chewie, the fuzziest dog Rey has ever seen, to heel, "Come, boy. Someone's cranky."

 

Rey shoos him again, getting behind the espresso machine to let Rose take over the register for a while. Fifteen minutes later, she's calling out an Americano, about ready to pop another round of painkillers when she looks over the counter, and her brain fizzles to a halt.

 

The man looks familiar in a way that makes her want to find a hole to crawl into. It takes a beat, then his eyes, too, light up in recognition--

 

Oh, "bollocks," she mutters. The guy from last night, who's coat she hurled on. What are the fucking chances?

 

"Ben, actually," he gives her a little wave. "And this would make you... the girl I heard so much about."

 

She doesn't even get past the first part.Ben Ben Ben... her brain is trying to piece it together. Then Han sidles up to him, claps him on the shoulder, lips poised to introduce them--

 

"Ben Solo?!" she squeaks.

 

Han glances between them like he's missing something crucial.She can relate. "Ben, this is Rey. She's not usually this-- _loud_."

 

"I bet," his son nods diplomatically. "Charmed."

 

Rey moans, "But that's not-- Poe called you _Kylo_!"

 

Han grumbles something like, "what you get for going by your pen-name," under his breath.

 

She needs to sit down.

 

"I couldn't have guessed who you were either," Ben offers. "Beinginebriated washed out the accent?" He extends his hand cautiously. "Let's try again. I'm Ben. Kylo only to assholes who won't let me live down a dark literary phase. No hard feelings, the coat is at the dry-cleaners already."

 

Rey groans again, returning his handshake. It's firm, his palm hot. Her face must be on fire. "And I am, once again, so sorry about that," she says. "It was nice of you to look out for me."

 

Leia and Han's Ben, _fire lieutenant Ben_ , who took care of a drunk girl no questions asked, it all clicks. Somehow, ogling him last night makes her feel that much more guilty, and he's equally as interesting in the daylight. Seriously, what's _in_ his hair?

 

At this point, Han resembles the cat who ate the canary, refraining from commenting on the exchange only when she shoots him a sharp look.

 

"It's not every day I get to rescue a fair maiden," Ben shrugs, letting her off lightly, or so she thought. Because then he has to go and fucking _wink_ , as he claims his drink, that Organa mischief dancing in his eyes - starbursts of amber and hazel on closer inspection - and her cheeks are most definitely _flaming_. Han is enjoying this a suspicious amount. If she didn't know better, she would think he'd planned this. "Thanks, Rey. Stay out of trouble now."

Rey scowls. Ben smiles. Damn, Solos.

 

Actively having to resist flipping them both off in front of other customers, she waits until they're out the door to mutter, "no promises."

 

It occurs to her after, that Brooklyn fire station is just a few blocks down from here, not far from the tiny apartment she shares with Finn and Rose.

 

Rose, who has also witnessed the whole thing, who is wearing a slyly blank expression.

 

Great.

 

*

 

"I can't believe you left out this minor detail."

 

"Yeah, I dropped the ball last night," Finn admits sheepishly over dinner. "It's easy to forget you don't already know everyone in person, peanut. You've been part of my life for so long."

 

It's not hard to understand what Finn means, of course. They met through an online support-group three years ago and instantly hit it off. While their circumstances were drastically different - his parents were killed in an accident, hers were deadbeats who abandoned her - they ended up in the same age group category: Orphaned Teens. And as the only constant in her life for a long time, Finn has integrated himself into the very fiber of her existence.

 

"Besides," he carries on, expression growing uncharacteristically pensive. "Kylo keeps to himself, I don't know him well. Poe tells me he had a temper in college and some issues to work through before signing up at the station. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he helped, and I know you're capable just... be careful."

 

"Don't play with fire?" Rose supplies helpfully, taking a break from making heart eyes at Finn from across the table. There's still green glitter in her hair from last night.

 

"Exactly," he agrees, entirely oblivious.

 

It's like being in the twilight zone.

 

Rey rolls her eyes, shoveling spaghetti into her mouth lest she spoils that surprise for them.

 

*

 

Turns out, starting classes mid-term and catching up is so much tougher than Rey had anticipated, suddenly _dead on your feet_ has true meaning. Although, at least while she's exhausted the embarrassment from Halloween swiftly fades to a distant memory.

 

But Ben frequents Coffee Rebels fairly often. Often enough she sees him during her shifts now thrice a week, always in civilian clothes, always by himself, except when his dad is home from his route.

 

Rey learns he orders black coffee just because he's dairy intolerant. It bothers her.

 

So she coaxes him into trying almond cappuccino or soy chai lattes, and after a few days of endlessly wrinkling his nose, to her dismay, Ben goes right back to Americanos. He does, however, very grudgingly admit to enjoying coconut creamer and the vegan bran muffins Rey urged Maz to add to their pastry display.

 

Small victories.

 

What they don't do is talk about anything outside of small talk, how she finds the city, the weather, sometimes he'll ask about her courses, sometimes she checks on the progress of Leia's outreach via him.

 

Finn wasn't kidding, figuring the man out is not an easy task. That's fine, Rey knows all about respecting boundaries.

 

*

 

One free Sunday, Rey joins Han and Poe at the airfield early. She's always giddy with excitement about going but this frigid morning is particularly breathtaking with the brilliant orange sunrise illuminating the domed glass-paneled hangars, slanting beams of light through the surrounding woods and onto the mist-covered ground.

 

Bless Maz for packing them breakfast and setting a reminder for Rey to fill the industrial-sized coffee flasks. Everything tastes that bit better when on an adventure.

 

By eleven, she's elbow deep in grease and oil, tinkering experimentally with a rusted x-wing, ear-phones in and dead to the world. It's only the rumble under her feet that tips her off to their sudden arrival before three shiny red _fire-engines_ drive right on in through the central passage and out onto the field. 

 

Rey turns off her music, there are no sirens. Huh. She recalls Leia telling her that sometimes the department performs drills here. This is apparently one of those times.

 

Well.

 

From her vantage point near the entrance of the workshop, Rey watches firemen (and women) dismount - how many does one of these hold? - until spotting Ben jump off the back and her jaw goes slack. She nearly severs the tip of her tongue, that's how fast she snaps her mouth shut.

 

This is her first time seeing him in his gear, and while the bulgy uniform tends to _wear_ others, on him, it looks exactly right. The jacket is open, and she catches a glimpse of those red suspenders straining over a black henley. Helmet tucked under his arm, hair the usual disarray. When he flashes his dad a smile in greeting, ruffling Chewie's mane and sending Poe the finger, she has to look away. She swallows.

 

It's fine. This is fine. Rey is A-Okay.

 

Ben barking orders reach her ears intermittently over the next hour or so as she goes back to work. Buried halfway in the vintage cockpit, only a movement in the corner of her eyes pulls her attention to the set of heavy boots next to her. She cranes her neck and is met with one of the sunniest smiles she's ever seen. That's usually a title people reserve for her.

 

"Hi," says the literal sunshine in fireman gear. He's closer to her age, probably one of the newer recruits.

 

Rey unplugs the earphones, feels herself return the smile automatically. "Hey."

 

"Mr. Solo, uh, _senior_ sent me over," he shoves a mug at her, almost spilling the contents in his haste. "Shit, sorry. I was supposed to tell you to come up for air sometime. I'm Matt," he stammers.

 

"I'm Rey," she tells him, instantly taken by this flailing blue-eyed young man. "How unnecessary of him," she adds with an exasperated nod in Han's direction who gives her a thumbs up. "But very nice of you."

 

"He's pretty intimidating. I see where the lieutenant gets it from."

 

"No, that's definitely all his mother."

 

"Ah, both sides are intense. That explains it, then." Matt nods, takes a sip from his own mug and asks earnestly, "so you're like some kind of mechanical genius, right?" promptly making her giggle. _Giggle_.

 

Matt seems so pleased by this, she can't help but perch on the pile of spare tires with her drink, and they spend the next ten minutes of his break quizzing each other. He tells her that, yes, he's still green and what the drill is all about and at some point, she's got on his helmet, making him laugh loudly by reciting phrases in the poshest British lilt she can manage. It's friendly, it's fun.

 

"I hate to break up the party," Ben's voice jars them both mid laughter. He steps right up to where Rey's legs are swinging, blocking out the sunlight, he's so big - and her heart skips a beat at the proximity. Which is ridiculous, he's been much closer. But with him staring down at her like that, hair falling over his brow, reasoning does little for the spike in her pulse. And before she knows what's happening, he eases the helmet off her head with an apologetic quirk of his lips. He thrusts it decidedly less gentle back at Matt's chest, earning a resounding _oof_. "We're ready to go again," Ben instructs him, firm though not unkind. "Get back into position."

 

"Sorry, lieutenant." Matt must want to say more but settles for, "it was nice to meet you, Rey."

 

"Bye, Matt."

 

Ben watches him scurry away, backing up a couple of paces as Rey hops down from her perch. Instead of leaving, though, he gives her a once over.

 

His jaw works for a beat, apparently tasting his words before he speaks, "This is how I'd imagined you," he says cryptically, eyes gleaming with mirth. "From what my father told me."

 

Whatever Rey'd expected, this was not it. Peering down at herself, she's wearing her oldest, thickest leggins, fraying at one knee, an equally ratty hoodie and worn chucks; all grease streaked from today and oil-stained from times gone. Her hair is slipping from the tiny bun she lately manages, there are almost certainly smudges on her cheeks, there always are.

 

And since Rey practices optimistic self-awareness, always taking pride in every one of her achievements, maybe it's because of how they met - less than ideal circumstances when it comes to first impressions - that, in the face of this man born into abundance, the implications of the words he doesn't say hit her like a ton of bricks. She feels her smile fade slowly.

 

Of course, Rey's still infinitely grateful for everything Ben's family has done for her, even if it means being perceived as a charity case, but--

 

"I guess this is who I am," she shrugs, voice too thick, dropping back to a crouch beside the old jet, sorting her tools with more force than strictly necessary.

 

When she glances up at him after a beat, he looks as stricken by her reaction. He's studying her, not with pity, but something else entirely. "That's not what I meant."

 

Though Rey's eyes burn with shame - because he makes her feel transparent, raw and oh so naive without even trying - she can't help but meet his in a challenge. It's petty but, "isn't it?" she asks.

 

Ben shakes his head. "No. Rey-- " he starts, perhaps about to leap into a speech.

 

But this is also when they're interrupted by an honest-to-gods news crew waltzing through the entrance.

 

The blonde lady leading the trio is incredibly tall, taller than Ben, probably without the silver heels; her tone too pleasant. "Ah, Lieutenant Solo. So nice to catch you straight away. Start rolling in three, two, one," she snaps her fingers at the bitter-looking ginger cameraman. The sound-guy dangles the plush mic above her head like mistletoe.

 

"I told you we wouldn't give a statement," Ben crosses his arms. "Nothing's changed."

 

The woman - Phasma, Rey learns from the short intro she rattles off - ignores Ben's protest.

 

"It's no secrets the relationship between yourself and Senator Snoke has been strained of late. What do you make of the most recent budget cuts to the department?"

 

"No comment," Ben repeats. "You're on private property, you have to leave."

 

"There has so far been no correspondence between Captain Skywalker and the Senator," Phasma tells the camera. Rey knows that Leia's brother Luke is Ben's superior, that there has been political friction within the dynamic for a while. Luke Skywalker keeps a low profile, so much, Rey has only met him briefly. "Lieutenant, would you agree this is due to personal grudges and undermines the integrity of your whole department?"

 

It's a sore subject, and there it is, the temper Finn had mentioned.

 

Ben's jaw locks, the anger palpable, rolling off of him in waves. "I told you," he grinds out through clenched teeth. If looks could kill, they'd all choke. "We will not comment."

 

Rey has been observing silently, apparently having gone unnoticed below the wing of the jet. She eyes the tin bucket close by, the dirty water inside, the gritty rags she always uses as she works. If she swivels on the balls of her feet just so, her elbow nudges the rim and--

 

The crash as it topples is what startles everyone first, then the murky water reaches just far enough to slosh over Phasma's chrome-finish stilettos. She gasps but doesn't react other than hissing cut at her team.

 

Shoulders squared, chin raised defiantly, Rey rises from under her hideout. She's successfully diverted Phasma's blatant goading, and the intimidating woman scans her head to toe, lips pursed as if she's swallowed a lemon, probably speechless for once in her life.

 

"Oops," says Rey, aggressively unapologetic. She swears she hears the sound guy snort - the ginger man is definitely biting back a smile.

 

When she allows herself to check, Ben's expression is unreadable; she doesn't think he disapproves. He shifts between them slightly, shielding her from the seething reporter.

 

"Leave," he says again, much calmer now.

 

"This doesn't change anything," Phasma warns, pivoting on wet shoes, throwing over her shoulder. "I won't rest until we have a statement." And then they're gone.

 

Han appears next to them, hands on hips. "Well," he remarks gruffly, nudging Ben with his elbow. "This is not how I thought today was gonna go."

 

 

*

 

The problem with Snoke's politics, Rey quickly gathers online, is that he's resolutely against anything remotely progressive. Leia's organization has of course always been in opposition and questioning how he got into his position only lead Rey down a deep dark rabbit hole.

 

There were accusations of rigging votes and pay-offs. From what Leia tells her, everyone seems to agree his dealings are corrupt, but no one knows just how he's covering his tracks. And Snoke, in his commitment to getting anyone in the known off his back, went via her family, publicly trying to exploit first Luke and his department, later his target became Ben.

 

She finds an old photo of Snoke and Ben at one of his rallies, perhaps a failed attempt to groom the younger man and sway him in his favor.

 

Rey shudders.

 

She doesn't yet question why Luke isn't providing more resistance himself, doesn't comment on how all responsibility of deflecting the Senator's advances seem to fall on Ben alone.

 

*

 

On his birthday a few days later, Maz has a tray of vegan cakes waiting for him. But it's still Rey, who sticks thirty sparklers into them.

 

She accidentally puked on him, he unintentionally called her a charity case - she figures they're even.

 

*

 

One cold morning, early in the new year, Rey wakes up feeling like death warmed up. Which is to say, her head is throbbing, her tongue is dry as parchment, she's simultaneously hot and cold, and her body aches with each twitch of a muscle. Finn is already at class, Rose had spent the night at her sister's apartment.

 

So with increasing pressure on her bladder and the need to call Maz right away, Rey drags herself from bed and, if only her throat weren't so sore, almost screams at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Her jawline has all but disappeared, so severely swollen is her neck and face on one side.

 

Maz immediately chastises her for apologizing, that it's no big deal, that she'll do her shift herself and offers - insists really - to arrange for an appointment at the local clinic straight away. 

 

Rey doesn't get a chance to dwell too much on it right away, but in all her nineteen years, she's never been this cared for.

 

Somehow, she drags herself the two blocks down to the clinic with a thin layer of snow dusting the sidewalk. Because this appointment hadn't been pre-arranged, the doctor on duty, a Dr. Holdo, according to Maz, will have to fit her in between patients. Which means waiting until there is either a cancellation or someone is quick.

 

Rey's busy updating Finn on her symptoms via text and has only been sweating in the waiting room for ten minutes when her phone dings with a message from an unknown number. 

 

 _Hey. This is Ben. Maz said you're at the clinic. Sorry if this is weird but do you have a ride home?_

 

Rey blinks at the text for a few seconds, trying to piece together the meaning through the mental fog.

 

Uh.

 

Rey

_Hi. Not weird_

_Sorry, Maz tried to rope you in_

_By which I mean No I don't have a ride, but I got here fine, I'll make it back. Thank you, Ben_

 

He starts typing straight away.

 

Unknown

 _I'm free until this afternoon. I could keep you company and drop you home afterward, no problem_

 

More ellipses.

 

Unknown

_In the interest of full disclosure, you're not wrong about Maz_

_You know how scary she can be_

 

Rey snorts, pays for it with a flare of pain while reading the next message.

 

_But I would've offered anyway. I don't mind_

 

She peeks outside the entrance, it started snowing again.

 

 _If you're sure_ , Rey types, the muscles in her neck throbbing with the effort of bending down. _Just a warning, I don't know if it's contagious and I look pretty gross right now._

 

Unknown

 _Hard to top our first encounter_

 

Rey

_Thanks. I'm saving you as Kylo Ren_

 

Unknown

_Don't_

 

Rey

_Can't stop me. I'm sick and weak_

 

Kylo Ren

_I'm going to murder Poe_

_Hang tight, be there soon_

 

Rey is just pocketing her phone when instead of the long wait she had prepared to settle in for, her name is called.

 

Dr. Holdo oozes competence in buckets - her purple hair a refreshing sight - and by the time Rey's rereleased into the waiting area with an immune booster jab in her system, a sting in her butt-cheek and a prescription slip in hand, Ben is already hunched over in one of the chairs. Dr. Holdo nods at him when he looks up.

 

Ben returns the gesture. Then his eyes fall on Rey, and, briefly, her head feels fuzzy for slightly different reasons. He's wrapped up in _The Coat_ and a chunky black scarf, his cheeks flushed from the chill, hair a little damp with melting snow.

 

While she remains rooted in place, he stands and crosses over to her, and then reaches out with a feather-light brush of knuckles down the swelling in her neck. Rey nearly whimpers, his cold hand feels so good on her feverish skin.

 

"Wow," Ben winces, going for playful, though the soft look in his eyes betrays him. "You weren't kidding. That looks painful."

 

In addition to already fever-induced vulnerability, Rey's vision blurs with unshed tears. Here she is, in a strange country with strange people who somehow care enough to take time out of their schedule, who pull strings for her to receive medical care, no questions asked. She struggles to decide if she is moved by their kindness or the ache of, for the first time in her life, being tempted to rely on someone else but herself. It feels like free-falling.

 

"Thank you for doing this," she sniffs, scrunching the corner of the paper in her fist and heaves a ragged breath, failing to reel in the emotion.

 

"Hey..." Ben goes as though reading her mind, ducking down a little to catch her eye. "Rey, you're not alone, okay?" It's the wrong thing to say unless of course, the goal is for her to turn into a blubbering mess, and thankfully, somehow, he knows this too. He nods to the note. "You need to get that to the chemist? Come one."

 

They wander down the clinic's hall to find the apothecary window, once again advised to wait while the correct dosage is being prepared.Rey gets the feeling Ben knows his way around; he leads her to an enclosed court with huge potted plants and exotic-looking succulents, and when she asks him as much he tells her that his parents have been coming here since he was a baby, that he was born in the adjacent birthing center.

 

"That is a long time," she muses idly, kicking some of the decorative pebbles beneath the wooden bench and marveling at the amount of snow collecting on the plexiglass ceiling overhead.

 

"I know, who would've thought they had facilities like these in the stone-age?" He bumps her shoulder with his and Rey chokes out a sound akin to a snort.

 

"Ow. Asshole," she complains pitiful, having to support that side of her face; it hurts like fuck. "Stop making me laugh. What I meant is, having a constant like this must be nice. Growing up in the system, I never saw the same doctor twice."

 

Ben is quiet for long enough, she has to turn to read his expression. He's staring straight ahead, swallows and then:

 

"For what it's worth, I can relate to feeling like the odd one out." He rakes a hand through his hair. "The first psychologist I saw when I was in college, was actually in this building, and-- fuck I don't know. It took me a while to accept that the feeling of isolation was self-inflicted."

 

Rey wants to tell him that he doesn't have to share this - it's clearly difficult to talk about. But he's shifting a little, elbows on his knees, apparently set on seeing this through, although still not looking her way.

 

"That didn't come out right," he rolls his lips, then clicks his tongue a tad impatient. "I've been fortunate enough, and I know this is not at all the same. Just-- that since allowing it, I don't have to feel alone." Finally, he meets her eyes, his intense as ever. "And neither do you. Not anymore. You're a good kid. You impressed my dad, that's unheard of; my mother hasn't been this fond of anyone probably since Dameron. Overwhelming it may be at times, but-- someone's got you. When you want it. Myself included," he adds, draws a breath, silently gauging her reaction and exhales. "Okay?"

 

Again, Rey's a little dazed by the rhythm of his voice, it's hypnotizing, honestly. "Okay," she makes herself nod and then because she's so great at emotions, blurts the first stupid thought that comes to mind: "this isn't about gaining the favor of the barista, is it?"

 

At least it earns her a chuckle and pride blooms in her chest. Ben should laugh more. "You saw right through that, huh." Ben studies her for a beat, there's that twitch under his left eye like he knows - always knows - exactly what she's doing. Her stomach does that annoying flip. Fuck. "That was my intention exactly."

 

"Yeah," Rey says, biting the inside of her cheek, painfully aware he's just attempting to cheer her up. She does feel better, a little. "Sounds, right."

 

*

 

Kylo Ren:

_Hold a muffin for me, please?_

 

Me:

_How dare you._

_I told you I don't play favorites_

 

Kylo Ren:

...

...

_You admit I'm your favorite?_

 

Me:

_NEVER_

 

Me:

_Muffin waiting_

_Don't flatter yourself._

 

 

*

 

Most evenings, Han takes Chewie to a local dog park. It pretty much amounts to a fenced patch of grass and rubble in a quiet residential area. But Rey goes along when she needs a break from studying, sometimes Leia joins them when she's not too swamped with work, on rare occasions even Ben shows up, and they all get very competitive over who can throw Chewies ball the furthest.

 

He always wins. (Showoff.)

 

*

 

 

In February, Rey celebrates her 20th birthday at Han and Leia's apartment on the top-floor of a beautiful redbrick building. Since she's told Finn that no one's ever thrown her a proper birthday party before, they surprise her by going full kids party theme. There's a white cake topped with all the sprinkles one can imagine, balloons, mini spring rolls, veggie burgers, everything bitesize, even a pinata and a pile of gifts with handmade cards.

 

As if she wasn't moved enough, the presents are practical and perfect. Leia basically covers all her stationary needs, including a voucher for textbooks over the next 18 months, Han gifts her with a set of specialized tools in a fancy faux leather pouch. Even Luke is there, he gives her store-bought card with cash in it and won't hear her protest. She gets a cute backpack that can fit her ancient laptop from Rose and Maz, and from Poe a book on astronomical engineering.

 

"Literal rocket science," he winks. "Something to think about."

 

Rey has been.

 

"No pressure or anything," adds Finn, nudging a slim parcel her way. It's a framed photo of them on the day she moved into their apartment. She's in overalls and was still suffering from jetlag at this point, and he's got her in a bear hug. It's one of her favorites.

 

If she wasn't before, now she's definietely more than a little overwhelmed, so she hugs him, thanks everyone and excuses herself to the bathroom. When she returns, people have scattered, refilling drinks and generally forming groups of animated conversation.

 

It's just as well because the last gift on the table is wrapped in paper with tiny sunflowers all over it and Rey can guess who it's from without having to check. The parcel is fairly light and lumpy, whatever's inside, gives softly as she tears into it for a peek.

 

It's a knitted scarf that seems to go for miles, and it's _yellow_.

 

"It's your color."

 

She hadn't noticed Ben come over and she quickly ducks her head to hide her blush, feels the chunky fabric, tracing the wooly pattern.

 

And because she's never learned how to moments things like these, she asks, "This isn't another puke related joke, is it?" like a total pleb.

 

Ben huffs, though, looking more fond than exasperated - like he _understands_ , and some distant part inside her cracks.

 

"Maybe..." he swallows, picking up the scarf and draping it around her neck. It's weighty and warm. "It reminded me of you. Happy Birthday, Sweetheart."

 

(No one can prove _why_ she grins all the way home that night.)

 

 

*

 

When Rey first _consciously_ experiences Ben putting himself in danger, it's at a warehouse fire. It's pretty big, the story all over the local news but, luckily, the building was abandoned, and no soul harmed. They quickly surmise that it was ' _just'_ kids kindling. And as it turns out, none of his team had to enter the building to get it under control.

 

After her and Maz went over for moral support, she overhears Leia on the phone with Luke discussing a letter to the station prior to the fire. She gathers that it isn't the first one either, that this is something they've come to expect.

 

Still, Rey can't deny that she can only breathe easy again when Ben walks into his parent's apartment. His hair is damp from a shower and he still vaguely carries the smell of _burning_ with him.

 

Even though they order pizza for dinner, and dig in like nothing happened after picking a movie to watch, Rey feels hyper-aware of him lounging near her on the sofa. She can't _enjoy_ her food or pay attention to the film.

 

As the credits roll, he nudges her with his leg. "Hey, you okay?"

 

And just like that, her throat is tight with tears. She stands, unable to answer and starts to clear the empty pizza boxes just for something to do. Thankfully Han and Leia are too busy bickering over the ending of the movie to notice anything. Maz had passed out at some point.

 

But Rey only makes it to the kitchen before Ben catches up with her again. She hears him enter but keeps her back turned, folding the cardboard with perhaps too much vigor, just trying to fucking _get a grip_. But then there's no good excuse to evade him any longer.

 

"Rey."

 

"I'm fine," she lies, takes three deep breaths, and turns, only to immediately regret it. By the way, he's standing there, hands in pockets, watching her like a kicked puppy, the day's events hit her like a ton of bricks.

 

There was no way to prepare for this, but she's _mad_ , she realizes. So furious at him, at herself, for letting someone - this family - get under her skin when all she knows is everyone _leaves_ eventually.

 

It's stupid, utterly irrational, her behavior. And she's sure Ben knows, because when she selfishly says, "I'm sorry. I've gotta go," he _lets_ her without another word.

 

*

 

Rey sucks at admitting hard truths to herself until they hit her in the face. It's a work in progress.

 

*

 

As far as packed schedules go, hers finds a nauseatingly fast-paced yet fulfilling rhythm, with two or three days a month where almost everyone manages to spare a few hours to get together.

 

Dinner at Maz's, Sunday morning at the Solo airfield. Game night at Poe's.

 

Leia drags them to Central Park for a picnic as soon as spring arrived. The new plants and budding flowers are beautiful, of course, every shade is sharp and crisp and innocent.

 

One night Luke convinces them to go see a bizarre independent horror film. It has _subtitles_ which Han grumbles about endlessly, but when Ben and she catch each others eye at the most ourages scenes, or slyly launch popcorn at the other, she has to admit that the genre is growing on her.

 

And since Rose majors in social and environmental studies, she's taken it upon herself to to arrange excursions with a more continuous outlook, sometimes she partners Leia's campaign outreach into seminars they attend. Rose is pretty convincing - she'd make a great lobbyist. And on the third of such outings, a journalist wants a photo of the Organa-Solo family, and Leia insists that everyone must fit into the picture if they're going to print it.

 

She's never seen Han and Leia this proud, Rey thinks, as she tacks the newspaper cutout on to the fridge the next week. The article as standalone is good, positive, but the photo is _amazing_. Han has one arm around Leia and the other around his son, who, for once, is caught smiling. It has the petulant dad-you're-embarrassing-me vibe all over it. Rose, Poe, and Finn are waving tiny rainbow flags while Luke seems to try and disappear behind Maz. Rey, well... For the picture, Ben has Rey tucked under his arm, casually tactile in a way she's never managed.

 

She told him to suck it up and smile. He'd pinched her side in retaliation, and she squeaked. At least the picture proves it worked.

 

*

 

It's on a swelting hot morning at the airfield in the summer-break, when Ben's pilot license comes up.

 

"You have one?" Rey and Finn ask at the same time. They're picking at their packed snacks, and pause to clink their soda's.

 

"I do," Ben confirms, swallowing the last bite of his sandwhich as if it's suddenly too dry, points at his father. "Don't start."

 

"Ben was basically raised in the air," Han ignores the warning. "Took to it like a fish to water. Then one day he decided he 'didn't want to be a pilot'."

 

"It's almost as if people are allowed to have their own ambitions."

 

Rey wonders if this has anything to do with the dark days Ben had alluded to. Poe, at least, seems to be growing increasingly uncomfortable. Either way, it must be a sensitive topic.

 

Ben stands, rubs his palms clean on his jeans and Rey offers him a napkin.

 

"Sorry," she shrugs.

 

He shakes his head. "No. It's fine. You're exaggerating," he adds to Han. "I was _okay_ , it never came as natural to me."

 

"Oh, please lets settle this this instance. The falcon is right outside, just serviced! Take her for a spin, she needs it."

 

"Dad--"

 

"Okay... this has been great!" announces Poe. "Finn, take Chewie for a walk with me? He likes to sniff out rabbits and pretend he can still catch them. There's a nice breeze over by the treeline, too."

 

"You coming, peanut?"

 

Rey waves Finn off. "Go ahead. I want to finish up in here."

 

Ben calls after them, "Subtle!"

 

"That's me!" Poe throws over his shoulder.

 

It's only the five of them today; six, counting Chewie. His tail is wagging enthusiastically as he runs off into the field. Finn came along because he's never been, and he and Poe are walking awfully close to each other, arms brushing with every step. Subtle indeed.

 

She smiles.

 

"You think it's a good idea?" Han asks, apparently following her line of sight. "I love Poe like a son, but he's a bit - what's that word--"

 

"Older?" suggests Ben.

 

" _Flaky_ , was what I was going for. Would hate to see Finn heartbroken."

 

It's an effort not to react too fast. Hard to put a finger on why exactly, but it stings. And before she can come up with something fitting, Ben speaks again.

 

His response seems measured, too. "Maybe for once, Dameron is the one who needs to be careful." Rey feels his eyes trained on her, and her stomach flips annoyingly. Her own are watering with the strain of schooling her features. "Finn is intelligent, has a bright future ahead of him. Experiences. Prospects that could take him across the country, eventually."

 

"I'm not so sure he would just give up on someone he loves," Rey hears herself counter. "If it's worth it, you can work on anything."

 

When she checks, Ben is still watching her, amusment playing on his features. "We'll see," he says like it's _her_ challenge. There's that twitch under his left eye again. It _irks_ her to no end.

 

"Good thing one of them is a pilot," deadpans his father, totally oblivious. "That's how your mother and I made it work," he adds, wistful. "Ah, young love."

 

"Could you sound any older?" Ben ask, dry. "Jesus."

 

"Depends," Han shoots back. "Are there any children to chase off the lawn? _In my day_ \--"

 

Rey laughs, grateful for the out. She knows Finn better than Poe, but neither strikes her as the type to deliberately hurt the other. "That's my cue to get back to work..." she comes up short, "what is that?"

"What?"

 

"That... smell." Sweet, she thinks. "Do you not smell it?"

 

A quick scan of the hangar bay doesn't reveal anything.

 

The two men exchange a look, and that's tragically the last image she remembers before--

 

 _Boom_

 

A shockwave rips through the fountation.

 

Her sight blanks. It feels as if the _sound_ has entered her back and escapes through her ribcage, forcing all the oxygen from her lungs. Next thing she knows she's on her knees, her palms are raw from a fall, so fast, she couldn't process. Her ears are ringing. There's shattered glass and glowing sparks raining down around her. Fine dust and smoke, dark and thick. Too much, she knows.

 

She takes a breath, it scratches, she coughs.

 

"Rey!" Ben calls from somewhere far off. She might have hit her head. There's blood dripping onto her hand. "Stay down!"

 

"Ben," she croaks out.

 

"Over there." Rey hears Han's strained voice, "Go to her."

 

The sound is faint.

 

And everything grows fainter yet, with every shallow breath she takes. It's stupid, but as she tries to think of something to cover her mouth with, curses her decision to wear shorts and t-shirt this morning and so has no sleeves. The feeble attempt of, at least, crawling away from the planes and their fuel tanks behind her, only has her elbows buckling, and she collapses in thick shards of what must've been the ceiling once.

 

It's getting darker and hotter and then she realizes that no, that's the edges of her vision going black. The heat is definitely increasing, though she can't make out any flames, can't make out anything through the smoke. Her eyes droop shut, and she thinks _this is it_ right before a touch jolts her. Strong arms scoop her up, and she wants to cry out but finds that she can't. A whine escapes from her throat.

 

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Stay with me," she hears Ben chant. "Come on, Rey, open your eyes."

 

She does.

 

The right side of Ben's face is marred with blood. It's hard to tell how bad he's hurt with all that fine dust clinging to everything.

 

"Good. That's good" He arranges her right arm to rest between them on her stomach, and she swallows another scream. "Keep looking at me. You're good."

 

 _No_ , Rey wants to say. _Nothing is good_.

 

But the temperature _does_ drop as he moves. Then they're outside. She can see the blue sky, the sun high up above them.

 

"Careful, her arm," he says, setting her down on the ground and someone else takes over to pillow her head.

 

It's Finn. He's okay.

 

She reads his lips as he speaks, "We called for backup," and then hears Poe's voice, "You can't go back in there alone, man!"

 

Her brain registers way too late what is being said, or what it means. When it does, Ben is already disappearing back into the cloud of smoke.

 

"Ben..." her voice fades with the wind. "Ben," she repeats as another explosion rocks the foundation.

 

This time, the shock wave carries her into darkness.

 

*

 

Rey dreams.

 

Of smoke, thick enough to touch. Of a tiny girl with tears in her eyes. Of a plane. A cold cave. Being alone with no one but her own reflection. _'Come back.'_

 

_'Stay with me.'_

 

Of sirens. Of pain and peace.

 

Of voices. Light. Blood and sunflowers. Of a shaggy old dog chasing a ball into the sunset.

 

Rey dreams of deep water and silence.

 

A suggestion of touch to her temple; her cheek. _'I'll come back for you, sweetheart.'_

 

She dreams of flames.

 

*

 

The sound of hushed arguing reaches her consciousness first. Then, muted light and a constant ache in several body parts. Rey's right arm throbs rhythmically.

 

"She's waking up." Finn's face comes into focus. He tells someone to her side, "Alert the nurse."

 

It's Rose, poking irritably at a panel in the wall. "How do I know it worked, Finn? Screw this. I'm going myself." And then she barrels from the room.

 

Everything is a bit sluggish; Rey's mouth isn't working the way she wants it to. There are tubes _up_ here nose. She follows them there with her left hand. Ugh.

 

"How..."

 

"Long has it been? Two and a half days." Finn strokes her hair back. Stops her hand from tugging. "Don't move too much yet, the nurse will remove those when she comes in." He smiles sadly. "It's good to have you back, peanut."

 

Rey sinks back, scrutinizes him, and everything comes back to her. There are fine scratches on his face.

 

The explosion. Han inside the building. _Ben_.

 

"Ben?" she asks. Finn's jaw works and her heart drops a thousand stories. " _No_."

 

"He was pretty messed up, but..." he sighs. She can't read his tone at all. "I need you to stay calm."

 

The nurse enters with Rose. Rey ignores them.

 

" _Han_?" she persists.

 

At the mention of his name, everyone freezes. But only Leia appearing in the doorway, eyes filled with sorrow, confirm Rey's worse fears.

 

*

 

Han had been trapped under a section of collapsed roof panels. The investigation on what started the initial fire is on-going but the second explosion that, miraculously, launched Ben clear of the building was caused by damage to a gas tank, of all things. He never made it back to his father.

 

"So he... left?" Rey is trying to piece it together now that Leia has gone home. To rest, to grieve. The guilt is eating Rey alive. "They let him?"

 

Finn shrugs. "After he was treated and the medical staff cleared him, the police came in for questioning." Officers have spoken to her as well, and she told them everything in excruciating detail, but it seemed standard procedure. "In the morning, he was gone. No one's heard from him since."

 

"They had no grounds to keep him," Poe adds placatingly. "He can sign out at his own risk."

 

Someone has been by Rey's side constantly since she woke three days ago. Leia insisted on staying for all her follow up procedures and x-rays. They checked her lungs extensively, the stitches in her arm. She was 'lucky' no nerves were damaged. Her palms and knees bother her the most, where they removed a lot of glass.

 

"No note?" she asks again, almost desperate.

 

"We've been to his apartment." Finn shakes his head. "He's gone."

 

That night, alone for the first time, Rey lets herself mourn and cries herself to sleep.

 

Everyone leaves eventually.

 

*

 

The news coverage on what happened is murky on details. The news team that had been stalking Ben was first on the scene.

 

*

 

Matt visits her with a bunch of white daisies and a giant get well card.

 

"These are from the whole station." He rubs the back of his neck, bashful. "But since Solo's... taken leave, the Captain works us pretty hard and I wanted to see how you are. I'm sorry to hear what happened," he rambles. Rey thanks him and tries for an encouraging smile. "Sorry. I suck at this. So, how are you, uh, feeling?"

 

"I'm going home tomorrow." She catches him staring at the bandage on her arm. "It might take a while to have a full range of movement again, and writing might be tricky but it's-- It'll heal fully."

 

He sighs with relief. "That's good."

 

 _Good,_ Ben's voice echos in Rey's mind. _Stay with me_.

 

"Yeah," she says weakly, blinking away the memory _,_ adding, "I'll be okay," and tries her hardest to believe it.

 

*

 

Han's funeral service is on a misty, grey morning. Poe manages to smuggle Chewie into the afternoon function. As is custom with this family, the affair is entirely unconventional. A colorful mix of characters share stories about Han, laugh at his bad jokes, cry over the lives he's touched.

 

To everyone's astonishment, the falcon was basically undamaged. Three quarters of the structure next to it collapsed, the tarmack around it is blackened, police tape over all entrances. But Leia scatters Han's ashes at _his_ airfield. At the end of the runway, where they light candles and leave flowers in his memory.

 

Rey lights a sparkler and leaves a single sunflower.

 

Ben Solo doesn't attend. The subject is carefully avoided.

 

 

*

 

She doesn't understand _how_ he could let his mother deal with the aftermath by herself.

 

 _Why_ someone would run, though, Rey gets. Especially in her darkest moments where she wakes up to Han's voice fresh in her mind, she wouldn't blame Ben if he wished it had been her instead.

 

What hurts most, is to think of how lonely he must be.

 

*

 

Days do get easier. As is life: in constant forward motion.

 

The dreams don't cease.

 

*

 

As soon as Uni starts again, Rey gets granted extensions for work she isn't even _behind on._ The professors are, well, _professional_ as ever, but don't challenge her. Even the asshole TA is making friendly small talk.

 

"Fuck sakes," she curses under her breath when he e-mails her a new project - she could've designed this at _ten -_ and has a sneaky suspicion of who might be behind this.

 

*

 

"Sorry!" Finn doesn't even deny it, using the influential Organa name to get them to ease up on her. It's his turn to do the dishes, and he pauses elbow-deep in bubbles to look at her. "We thought you could do with a break."

 

"A growing mind needs stimulation. Not Breaks."

 

" _Stimulation_ ," he parrots suggestively. "Noted."

 

"Finn..." Rey begs, and he sighs.

 

"Alright." He runs the water again. "Putting the fear of gods into Canady was fun while it lasted, I suppose."

 

Rey smirks, though he can't see and heads to her room. "With Professor Canady, you can keep going. He's a hardass at the best of times and, at worse, a Snoke supporter."

 

"You're the best!" he calls after her.

 

"Don't you forget it!"

 

Thing is, Rey knows things can't be as they were. Yes, she might work at Coffee Rebels again, but Maz won't let her run the espresso bar because of her arm. Being behind the register bores her to death. And while she meets Leia whenever they can, there's a Han-sized gap in their every interaction.

 

There's another wound that doesn't heal, Rey won't dwell on.

 

She doesn't have the strength.

 

*

 

The asshole TA is an asshole to her again the following week. Rey grins at him for it.

 

*

 

She dreams of rain made of fire. Of someone asking her to stay. Han's voice. _Ben's_.

 

Of an island.

 

She dreams of drowning.

 

*

 

Rose and Finn have a _thing_ that is as sudden as it is cute.

 

They drag her to a Halloween party at a club, only to start making out the moment they arrive _._ Rey doesn't know anyone here, but she's made an effort, at least, of throwing on her charcoal, floor-length dress and is donning a thorny crown of barbed, black roses from the dollar store, and decides that she's Hades.

 

The bar man doesn't ID her but, having learned from past mistakes, she orders a bottle of beer, which she opens herself - thank you very much. The dancefloor is _really_ dark and packed, as she pushes her way to the center and, when the actual song starts to play, really embraces _dancing on her own_. She's mostly spinning, weaving in and out of tunes, spreading herself wide within the limited space. A couple guys try to join her, a cute girl dressed as Sailor Moon, tempts her too, but she ultimately turns them down in favor of shutting all senses but sound and movement out.

 

Five songs later, sweaty and pleasantly buzzed, she feels someone tap her shoulder. And maybe it's because _he's_ always there, a looming presence in her mind, that she expected to find amber eyes instead of the bright blue ones that greet her.

 

"Matt!" she cheers overly bright to hold back the disapointment and its implications. "Hi!"

 

"I thought that was you," Matt replies at a more reasonable volume. He's dressed up as Superman. "I see the arm's working again."

 

The scar is well hidden under her sleeve - Rey doesn't like to look at it - but she waves to demonstrate, nearly whacking another dancer in the face. "Sorry!"

 

Matt suggests it would best to leave the dancefloor, lest Rey knocks someone unconscious. She agrees but swats him anyway. It's _nice_ , easy in a way she doesn't often get. They order some water, exchange pleasantries and then spend some thirty minutes catching up. He asks about her studies - if she's got any prospects yet for when she graduates. It also only takes him three tries - and one clue about pomegranates - to guess her costume.

 

Eventually, though, she can't avoid asking any longer. It would be rude not to.

 

"How's the station?" She hasn't seen Luke since the funeral.

 

"Er... the morale has definitely dropped without Solo there for the drills. Can't believe I'm saying this," he smiles, rueful. "Who would've thought we would miss the scary pep-talks?"

 

Rey makes herself return the smile, she's not sure it's convincing. "Who would've thought."

 

Her polite excuse of having to find her friends might be equally as weak. She does look for Finn and Rose, however, before shooting a text to let them know she's leaving.

 

*

 

When the Uber drops Rey off, the tattoo parlor on the corner of their block still has their lights on inside. The entrance is locked, but she keeps knocking until the owner answers. The lady hears her out only because her face is a familiar one from all the times she's come in to browse through their portfolios and that, when prompted, Rey knows with certainty what design she wants and where.

 

There's a glimmer of understanding in the woman's eye as she agrees to do it. Perhaps a trace of pride when Rey actually _does_ return ten minutes later with the birthday cash Luke gifted her another lifetime ago.

 

She buttons her dress down to the waist. The tattoo takes until after midnight to complete. The shading and coloring take time.

 

*

 

The next morning, naked from the shower, Rey admires the piece in the mirror. It's tender.

 

She doesn't look at it often other than for aftercare. Someone once told her it does no good to pick on scabs, even on the ones we choose.

 

*

 

So Rey throws herself into studying, piles on an additional physics course for next semester, and commits fully to a goal of astroengineering. The opportunities Han granted her, she won't let go to waste.

 

Maz finally allows her back behind the espresso machine. She spends five solid shifts pulling shots. Interestingly, Matt becomes a regular customer. It's kind of endearing, him making excuses to come see her. He doesn't even seem to _like_ coffee.

 

He asks her out in the third week, and Rey says _yes_ , in part, to put him out of his misery. Dating, in general, has been a nebulous unexplored region for her, she's never been open to intimacy or any part of it, really. But, well-- Matt is nice, she enjoys him.

 

It's casual. Rey wears _jeans_ and her yellow scarf to Central Park. In late fall it looks like they're in a movie, leaves have turned anything from blood red to gold, and the date goes so well it runs through to dinner. She finds out Matt is 23, has two older sisters and a new niece. He's as bright as he's funny, and she doesn't tire of his company.

 

When he kisses her goodnight, it tastes like new beginnings.

 

It feels like betrayal.

 

*

 

Her dreams warp thunderclouds into crashing waves.

 

Stars into flames into eyes.

 

_Look at me_

 

Smoke into dust.

 

*

 

On Ben's birthday, Rey treats Leia to lunch - Thai take away and ice cream as dessert. She tells her about the date with Matt and even of _getting_ the tattoo and is oddly relieved when Leia approves of both. Seeking validation isn't something Rey's used to. And while Leia shares vague details of her outreach these days, she assures her that all is well within the team.

 

"There's a breakthrough on the horizon," she tells Ray earnestly. Takes her hand. "I can feel it."

 

Afterward, Rey takes Chewie to his usual spot and throws the ball until even he tires of playing. It's brutally freezing out, the sun dipping low in the sky but Rey sinks onto the bench, watching the hues change from yellow to brilliant orange.

 

"Come, boy." Chewie lies by her feet, she scratches behind his ear, throat suddenly tight. Her breath fogs up in front of her, dissipating into nothing.

 

"I miss him," she tells the dying light. It's all she can do not to cry.

 

"Me too," comes a voice from behind her, and it doesn't even startle her, she just breathes out another swirl of mist.

 

It's Luke. Grief _did_ age him - Matt had mentioned as much - but when Rey tilts her head at him in question, he rolls his eyes. " _Leia_ told me I'd find you here," he explains, gruff as ever. "I don't happen to frequent dog parks alone."

 

"I wouldn't judge," she shrugs, sniffs, wipes her nose with the back of her hand. "It's very peaceful."

 

"Impressive. I've only known one other person with the talent to deflect like that," he says cryptically, sitting beside them. He pats Chewies head for a while and then, "You okay, kid?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Wow. Try that again."

 

Rey takes a breath, closes her eyes. "Ever since... that day. _Something_ inside me is wrong. I don't know what it is or what to do with it. I feel so..."

 

"Ashamed? Guilty?"

 

"Right."

 

"You don't need _me_ to tell you this, but _it wasn't your fault_. None of it." A tear slips down her cheeks before she can catch it. "Everyone is glad you're okay. From what I can tell people enjoy having you around, most of all my sister. Beats me why," he adds, dry, and she laughs watery. "No one blames you."

 

"What about Ben?"

 

"You think _Ben_ regrets saving you?" Luke asks, sincere surprise coloring his tone. "That's absurd. Rey," he tries and fails to catch her eye. It _does_ sound stupid out loud, self-absorbed. "Ben acts on his training, on what he thinks is best. He chose you."

 

It doesn't make her feel any better.

 

"It wasn't an accident," she almost whispers. Why _now_ is beyond her. "The first explosion. Was it?"

 

Luke trains his eyes to the ground. "You shouldn't worry yourself over it."

 

"Why not? _I_ smelt the gas or-- some _propellant_ right before..."

 

"The police are investigating," he interrupts, tone final. "There's nothing you can do." He stands, starts to walk back. "Let's go inside, you'll catch your death."

 

*

 

Rey dreams of snow.

 

_'Look at me.'_

 

Of blood on Ben's face.

 

_'I know it hurts.'_

 

She dreams of it on her hands.

 

 

*

 

Matt invites her to go ice-skating. Finn and Rose suggest making it a double-date so they can finally meet him.

 

Rey clearly didn't think it through, though, the whole hand holding thing unsettles her more than kissing does, even when it _would_ be helpful for balance on the rink.

 

In the end, Finn teases her mercilessly about getting wiped out at least five times.

 

*

 

He and Rose break up in January. The split is mutual, both decide they make for much better friends. When Poe hears the news, he shows up with beer. Rey can't be sure if his motivation was to show support or celebrate.

 

*

 

Rey dreams of smoke and mirrors.

 

_'Rey, open your eyes.'_

 

She dreams of crashing through them.

 

*

 

The evening after Matt's first callout to a big fire, Rey goes to him.

 

"Hey--"

 

She cuts him off with a kiss before she can change her mind.

 

 _Matt is nice, she likes him_ , she tells herself when they start to make out in earnest. Matt is ever the gentleman as her clothes begin to fall.

 

 _The smell of burning clings to him,_ but he's whole and alive beneath her hands. Solid and warm. And she does _want_ to know what it's like, it's not a big deal.

 

 _She can trust him_ , she thinks when he fumbles with the condom and checks that she's okay. _She likes Matt, she does, she likes him, he's nice..._ plays on repeat in her head.

 

 _He's here,_ her mind supplies as soon as he's inside her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. It still hurts. _She likes him._

 

He smells of flames, a new beginning. _Betrayal_.

 

 _He didn't leave_ , something in her chest cries in protest.

 

*

 

Rey dreams of Ben, of sand that shifts beneath his feet, slipping through his fingers.

 

A desert, empty of all life.

 

*

 

For her twenty-first Birthday, the usual subjects surprise her with a party. Rey isn't much in the mood, but it's at their place and an intimate enough affair. Maz provides snacks, Poe drinks, Finn music, Rose deco, and Leia entertainment in the form of classic games. She wins at Trivial Pursuit every time, Luke comes in a close second.

 

They all chipped in for a new laptop to tackle Rey's 'mounting ambitions more efficiently,' the card reads. It's perfect.

 

Matt shows up later with roses - _black ones_. "They reminded me of your costume," he says. It takes her a beat, though, before she gets the Hades reference. He hands her a small box, inside is a silver bracelet with delicate heart charms. "Happy birthday, babe."

 

_Babe._

 

"Thanks." 

 

"That's so _nice,_ " Leia comes up beside them, watching their interaction curiously, cautiously. Rey worries for a beat that she'll give Matt _The Talk._ Instead _,_ she offers her hand. _"_ It's Matt _,_ right? Leia Organa, a pleasure, I'm sure. I believe my son is Lieutenant at your station... my brother, your Captain."

 

"Yes, of course, ma'am," Matt clears his throat, nods to Luke in greeting, does an awkward little bow. "It's an honor to meet you."

 

Leia chuckles, as does everyone else in the room. "He's funny," she whispers to Rey in passing. " _Cute_. Try not to break him."

 

He doesn't stay long.

 

*

 

That night, when Rey is half asleep, her phone chirps with a new message.

 

Private number

 _Happy Birthday_ *sunflower emoji*

 

Rey wants to reply, _fuck you,_ should ask, _where are you,_ but instead, foolishly...

 

Rey

_I miss you_

<Message Undelivered>

 

 

*

 

Rey dreams of being chased through a forest. Of getting caught by a beast.

 

She dreams of being possessed by a monster.

 

*

 

"I'm in love with you," Matt tells her, breathless, after sex one night.

 

Rey still hasn't been able to categorize what it means to her. It's... nice. Cuddling is, _eh_ , mostly hot and sticky. They have fun with each other. So Matt doesn't always get her off, but she's satisfied with what they _try_. Love, though?

 

Unable to offer the correct response or any other for that matter, she detangles from him, swings her legs over the edge of the bed, instantly feeling out of place, a complete stranger in his home. He doesn't talk as she dresses, or comment when she stumps her toe while gathering things in the dark, or as she steps into her chucks.

 

Rey leaves the bracelet. _Try not to break him._

 

"I'm really sorry, Matt," she lies, hoping it isn't too late.

 

"Yeah," Rey hears as she goes. "So am I."

 

*

 

Waiting for sadness to set in proves futile. Perhaps there's a degree of guilt about not _feeling anything._

 

 _Maybe_ , Rey thinks, the monster that chases her _is_ she.

 

*

 

While Finn is due to start his residency a few stops away, not long after Rose graduates - who herself already secured an apprenticeship on the other end of the city where she can share a place with her sister - they discuss whether to renew the lease that's about to run out or if finding separate places would be more convenient. Rey can't afford much and _loves_ Finn, but the idea of having her own space is, honestly, a dream. 

 

And then Leia calls to inform her that the Solo airfield has finally been cleared for rebuilding and asks if Rey could oversee the inventory they need to order - the servicing of the Falcon etc. - and very slyly suggests that, since Rey is so stubborn about payment, in return she will arrange a tour of a loft near her, owned by an old friend, that stood empty for a while.

 

Rey's met said friend before. Lando bought the place for his daughter who's now moved into her fiance's condo. Apparently, he wants someone to look after it, keep it maintained, give the ceiling a lick of paint when needed. The loft _is_ tiny, but it's got a kitchenette, a bathroom with a decent shower and exposed brick walls with large windows. Rey _loves_ it, she might have to start sculpting and doing yoga just to do the place artistic justice.

 

She insists on signing an official lease and emails it to Lando, and they agree on _some_ amount of rent. With bills, it's still less than what she paid sharing.

 

Four weeks later, she moves in.

 

*

 

Finn gets plenty of offers to join other house shares, people automatically take to him.

 

"You're like a personality unicorn," she teases, hooking one of her plants from a nail in the new kitchenette. There are about a dozen cacti and pots that she needs to find the perfect place for.

 

"Bi, black, single and ready to mingle," Finn sing songs, then sighs dramatically. "If only Poe hasn't asked me to move into his place."

 

"Seriously?"

 

He nods, taking all of the two mugs she owns - on one of which she painted a galaxy - and packs them into the cabinet."Acted aggressively cool about it, too. Like, _I'm not home that much anyway, no strings attached,_ _hur hur hu_ r."

 

"Smooth," Rey says, climbing off the stool before he drops more surprises. "And your answer...?"

 

Finn grins, shrugs. "Why the hell not."

 

"I'm _so_ giving a speech at your wedding."

 

Hugging her tightly, he threatens, "And I'll make sure you wear an ugly dress."

 

*

 

In truth, Rey's never been so eager to apply practical knowledge before, both old _and_ new. The construction team at the airfield restore the foundation in no time, and the domed structures are raised and restored to their former glory soon, too. The falcon gets a place of honor, right near the center gate so taking her out is no longer a logistical chore.

 

"You did good," Poe announces on opening eve, checking the controls inside. And something swells in her chest. "Han would be proud."

 

 _Pride_ , she smiles. That's it.

 

"He told me all the stories of people trying to buy her as a vintage showpiece, but he always said that she's a part of the family, meant to be flown..." her thought trails off and Poe _tenses_ for some reason. "You haven't heard anything?"

 

"Ben's capable of looking after himself." Suddenly, he takes a keen interest in the air vent switches, and she squints at him.

 

"Never doubted it. That also wasn't what I asked. _Poe_." He's still avoiding her eyes. "What's going on?"

 

"I can't tell you."

 

"Damn it, Poe," she says, incredulous, heart in her throat. He goes to leave, and she grabs his sleeve. "Tell me _what_?"

 

" _Nothing_. Fuck, that's-- forget I said _anything_ , okay?"

 

She called it months ago, that something's off. She just didn't think that people were lying to _her_ about it. Apparently, she isn't as much part of this story as she thought she was.

 

"I'm sorry, Rey." The desperation is _visible_ in Poe's eyes, his voice, " _Please_."

 

She lets him go.

 

*

 

No one could blame her for declining to attend the opening, she doesn't yet know how not to be hurt. If there's no way of avoiding them forever, she can at least choose to exclude herself on her own terms. Especially because it's hard to tell who's omitting what at this point. Rey doesn't want to cause tension between Finn and Poe either, now that they're heading for the inevitable fairytale, so she declines the invitation to game night, too.

 

Finn calls her out on it when they meet up for drinks - _drinks_ , at a bar, like adults - and she feigns study-fatigue.

 

 _Asshole_ , Rey types in frustration that night. _How dare you make a liar of me, too_

 

<Message Undelivered>

 

 

*

 

Fortunately, there's no need to make excuses or to just seem busy - switching majors late-on _does_ _that_. It meant accommodating extra courses and tacking on at least 2 more years until she can earn her bachelors degree. And then her advisor suggests she applies for a summer internship at a renowned space program in Nebraska.

 

The acceptance letter arrives a week before the summer break. Maz says she has holiday hours to claim anyway. Her bags are packed already.

 

 

*

 

Rose's graduation is on a sunny, cloudless day and Rey wears a sundress that she _insists_ wasn't yellow when buying it, but definitely now _is_ in the backyard setting of the function. It's a soft yellow, though, with a delicate white trim around the hem, and sleeves long enough it covers her scar. Rey receives more compliments in those few hours than she's comfortable with.

 

But it's here she learns the truth, via Finn, who pulls up the info on his phone. The breaking news that, nearly one year _after,_ Senator Snoke has been arrested thanks to ongoing, extensive investigations into suspicions of conspiracy to murder and third degree-murder in relation to the tragedy at the Solo airfield. He was charged with both, due to mounting evidence and witness accounts, in addition to charges of fraud relating to his campaign and entire run in office. There are audible gasps from people around her, the bulletin spreads from one device to the next, but Rey has trouble concentrating on anything because--

 

 _Ben_ is in some of the footage of the arrest itself. He's sitting in the front of one of the police cars with a phone to his ear, and is not at all in focus - Snoke is - but she recognizes his profile. And then her own phone buzzes and Leia's name flashes on screen.

 

"We've done it," she tells her, soothingly but Rey still has a hard time following, not because she fails to _understand_ , because, for the first time, she _does_. And despite it all, she could never feel anything but _love_ towards this woman, try as she may. "Oh, my darling, we've got explaining to do. It'll all make sense, I swear it."

 

But it hurts, _hurts_. And instead of causing another spectacle, Rey slips out while everyone is up in arms about the news.

Any further attempts of calling her on her way home go straight to voicemail.

 

Stripping out of the dress as soon as she's inside, she stares at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, long and hard. At the scar on her arm, the tattoo on her ribcage, and wonders, unbidden, if _Matt_ knew. A wave of nausea knocks her sideways, and she scrambles for the basin to cling to.

 

The flight to Nebraska leaves in two days. After a long shower, Rey calls the airline to pull it forward.

 

*

 

"It's so fucked," she tells Finn while in line for the check-in. She managed to get on the last flight of the day. "I couldn't be there right now. I'm sorry."

 

He's quiet for a while then, "Don't apologize, I get it," he sounds groggy. "It was pretty crazy around here. To be fair, Poe had a pretty satisfactory explanation for _me,_ but I know it's not the same. I didn't nearly die that day."

 

"No. You _almost_ nearly died that day." Rey's not going to cry again. Finn does get her. "Did you see him?"

 

He hums, affirmative and thankfully doesn't elaborate. "Just-- take care of yourself out there okay? Wouldn't want to have to kick some astro-nerd's ass."

 

She sniffs. "That's not very doctor-like of you."

 

"As medical professional I can treat them afterward. _Beat and treat_."

 

"Don't make that your slogan."

 

"Has a good ring to it," he yawns. "Love ya, peanut."

 

"Love you."

 

*

 

As more details emerge online over the next few hours, Rey learns of Snoke's shadow organization the First Order, which was revealed to have affiliations to the _ancient,_ radical policies of The Empire. And both of their fall that morning was punctuated by the arrest of a Senator Palpatine in Washington DC on charges of conspiring against the goverment among others.

 

Reports offer few facts, of course, but plenty of speculation on how their secrets were unveiled, many heavily _suggest_ undercover infiltration of Snoke's operations.

 

*

 

Rey dreams of a forest, a lake, a castle without windows.

 

*

Nebraska is surprisingly hot and _humid_. The small town of Jakku that lies smack bang in the sandhills and nearest to the space program's workshop is a pleasant change. There are two bars in town, a Walmart and, weirdly enough, three junk traders where she spends hours of her free time scavenging for vintage parts. It's more fun if it's by choice.

 

The engineering workshop is housed inside a massive warehouse at the end of a narrow runway, beside a small space control center. The cones of the two old prototype engines which interns get to explore are each vast enough to accommodate the three of them comfortably and swallow half the floor space.

 

Rey's favorite part about the program, however, must be their mentor Jyn Erso, who's doing her own Ph.D. in nuclear engineering. She's gorgeous and supportive but has little qualms taking people down a notch if provoked. Specifically, in the case of Captain Cassian Andor - former head of space Mission X - overseeing their progress. And Rey might have developed a little crush of her own, she thinks, as she works in silence alongside Jyn, it's intuitive more than anything. Everything runs, well, like _a well-oiled machine_.

 

*

Jyn also happens to swear like a sailor.

 

"Shut the bloody door!" she yells after Cassian's retreating back. He bows as he complies. There's a small smile playing on her lips as she wipes her brow with the back of her hand _. "Dickhead."_

 

They're all filthy and, in this heat, they've rolled down the orange work overalls to tie them around their waist; the air conditioning does little to alleviate the thick atmosphere. It's not even a sunny afternoon, it smells like rain outside. The humidity makes Rey's clothes stick to her skin - she's glad, once again, for her small boobs; no need for bras - and her thin tank top is sheer in places, but she can't bring herself to care.

 

It's still easy, though, to forget the time when there's music blasting, and an idea from a scrap of paper takes form in front of your eyes. Just check one more thing, Rey keeps telling herself, until well past dusk. Her whole arm is _inside_ the release panel when there's a knock on the metal body coming from somewhere underneath her.

 

"Oi!"

 

Rey pokes her head over the edge.

 

Jyn has her hands on her hips, looking mildly put out. "So, uh, a _Falcon_ has asked for permission to land. You happen to know anything about that?"

 

Firstly, Rey would like to ask _how_ she came to that conclusion. As far as she's aware, no one knows of her connection to anyone in New York, but that's also beside the point. "Fuck," she says.

 

"Language," Jyn warns like a big fat hypocrite, she turns on her heels. "We had no choice but clear them. Does Solo ring a bell?"

 

"Fuck," Rey says again and jumps off her perch.

 

"Yup," Jyn pats her on the back when she catches up. "That's what I thought."

 

*

 

She's kind of numb, as she walks out onto the tarmac and into a light mist of rain. It's already dark out, the runway poorly lit but she can see the Falcon's lights slowing to a stop further down and Rey doesn't want _him_ to be here, so she jogs towards it hoping to intercept whatever the fuck this _is_.

 

By the time she gets close, Ben's already gotten out, his back to her, checking something on the shutter. 

 

"You can't be here."

 

He freezes momentarily before he turns around to face her. And even if she expected it, it still comes as a shock.

 

Because the low light does nothing to hide the scar. It dissects the right side of his face from just above his brow down his neck and disappears under the collar of his leather jacket. As if a single neat stroke sliced his skin on its way down. The fleeting thought of touching it to see if it's real makes her ball her fists.

 

Something's also different about his gait, but as he steps closer she's also reminded of how tall he is, she has to crane her neck to meet his eye, and there's somehow even more of him now. He's wider in the shoulders and his talent to loom still makes her feel _small_.

 

And she's not alone in studying him. He takes her in from head to toe as if they've never met. His eyes linger on her arm where she's taken to covering the scar with a strip of fabric. Today it's a red one. His eyes snap back to hers, and he balls his fists like she did.

 

"Why not?" he asks in that passive way of his; voice jarring and rich and familiar at once. His hair is a little longer than the last time she saw him, curling at the ends in the drizzle. A drizzle that's rapidly become heavier.

 

Rey's almost forgotten what the question was. "This is my place of work." She lifts her chin. "That's why."

 

"Funny, I heard this was an internship."

 

She grinds her teeth. "You can't stay."

 

"That storm front out there begs to differ." He has the audacity to point upward, the absolute fucker. There's so much of his father in him, it makes her want to weep. "I wouldn't be here if you responded to the calls, emails, or _letters_ from my mother."

 

"It's almost as if I wanted to be left alone."

 

"Jesus-- can we please get out of the rain first?"

 

As if to prove his point, his eyes drop down to her top, then clamp shut as if he's in pain just as fast, and Rey's skin _tingles_ with awareness of what must be happening in _that_ area.

 

The fabric is undoubtedly soaked; the breeze made her skin break out in goosebumps. She _won't_ cross her arms when Ben trains his attention back on her. It doesn't stray again, but something in the way his jaw works, the shadow of stubble that covers it, prompts her to consider anew the number of years that separate them. He's a _man._

 

Rey sucks in a sharp breath, clicks her tongue, "Fine," and turns toward the workshop without checking if he follows. Jyn's pacing out front. Thankfully, she seems to be their only audience.

 

"Friend of yours?" she asks as they draw closer.

 

"Not exactly."

 

"How you wound me," he shoots back, offering his hand to Jyn. "I'm--"

 

"I know," she drawls, accepting the shake. "Ben Solo. Jyn Erso, I'm a fan of your mother's resistance efforts. Your dad was one of my heroes. Impressive family tree." She comes to stand next to Rey. "But Rey's wellbeing happens to be important to us, and I will gladly make you wait out the storm outside. All she needs to do is say the word."

 

The deep rumble of thunder sounds in the distance. Lightning zig zags the heavy clouds.

 

"Still deciding," Rey says cooly. Jyn grins wider than she's ever seen. "Thanks."

 

She winks. "Any time." Then disappears in the control tower where the others must be hiding.

 

Rey yanks the door to the workshop open with too much vigor, almost hoping it'll hit him in the ass on the way. Objectively speaking, her resentment is escalating to unreasonable levels, but it burns bright and sharp inside her chest, and she doesn't know where else to aim it.

 

The aircon is still set to full blast to regulate the temperature of the equipment, so she slips on and zips up her overall before she pays any attention to Ben. He's also drenched, raindrops pearling on the black leather of his jacket. He scans the room, apparently looking impressed for once.

 

"This is something else."

 

"Why are you here?" she sighs and his gaze returns to her slowly, like he's buying time.

 

"Because, if you want to punish someone, punish me, everyone else had no choice but to keep up the facade."

 

" _Lie,_ you mean."

 

Ben shakes his head, points at his chest. "The FBI requested my cooperation, _I_ told them you had no part in what happened. And you didn't. It had nothing to do with you."

 

"Right," she grounds out.

 

"I made a decision. Had they involved you, it could've put your future in jeopardy, normal things, your studies, _this_." He gestures around them.

 

"It wasn't your choice to make," she snaps, her chest already heaving with restraint.

 

"Wasn't _it_?" he goads.

 

" _No_."

 

"Do you remember that day? What we spoke about?" he presses. "I saw you lying there in the rubble. When I picked you up, you were so fragile, for a second I thought it was too late. And then I realized how much I wanted to see you achieve all those things."

 

"You're so fucking unfair!" she throws her arms up and resolve to the wind. A clap of thunder sounds right above them. "I'm the asshole either way if I don't just thank you. But what about what I wanted? Maybe I would've chosen differently, shared the burden. I guess it makes no difference now, the stuff of not being alone was clearly _bullshit_ , right? When it mattered most, it meant nothing."

 

Ben looks stricken with guilt and that also hits her hard. "I wanted for you to carry on. You _did_ ," he says, takes a step closer. "I know you are excelling at Uni, you go to parties, you got a tattoo? That's all normal shit, right? My mother told me about you dating 'that nice boy' _Matt_ ," he enunciates sharply.

 

Her stomach roils, rain lashes loudly the against the tin roof, and, as he leans down to study her, she bites the inside of her cheek so hard she tastes blood.

 

"Did he hurt you?"

 

The tears won't be held back any longer, bubble over with the absurdity of the question, one slides down her cheek. "You tell me," her breath hitches. "Did he have to lie, too?"

 

He looks away. "The station simply knew not to compromise the investigation with questions."

 

It feels like being sucker punched, she stumbles back a few paces. Ben follows, but she shakes her head.

 

"You don't get it." Her voice cracks. The storm outside has picked up audibly, wind howls against the walls. "Everyone, even your family let me believe you--"

 

"They did what I asked of them." Ben's eyes flash. "I told the agents you were no one _because_ it couldn't be further from the truth. You're not no one. Not to any of us. Not to me."

 

"And yet you didn't trust me to make my own choices," she grits her teeth against the renewed onslaught of emotion. "You isolated me from people I care about. _You_ put yourself in danger and, yes, I'm so fucking mad that they _let_ you go through with it alone, but they knew why at least. I _didn't_. And then you show up here and take my right to be mad." She turns away. "You're not the only one who lost someone you loved that day, and I never felt so alone, wondering where you were, how you were dealing with it."

 

There's another roll of thunder, a little further off.

 

"You're not alone."

 

"No." Rey rounds on him. "I have Finn and Rose and your mother; I love her, too. I'll forgive the others. Already have, I just needed some _time._ I've found a place of my own and a career I'm proud of." She rises to his initial challenge. "I owe you my life, and I'm grateful, but _this_ \- it's all mine. I dealt with it, losing Han, losing you--" her voice catches pitifully. "I've come this far, removing you bit by bit from my everyday. I'm glad you're safe, but I'm not about to let you mess all over it again. _Please_ , Ben."

 

They're both breathing heavy. He rakes a hand through his hair, looking utterly defeated. "I'm not leaving again."

 

"Until you decide what's best for me, then you might. Tell Leia I'll call her in the morning." Rey makes to walk away, and now Ben does reach out to grab her wrist, gingerly.

 

"Wait," he demands, but lets go to reach into his jacket. "There's something I wanted you to have."

 

To throw her for another giant loop, he pulls out a _book_. The cover is black except for, when he flips it over, the title 'Yellow' written across in a swirly font - like a sparkler in motion - and the author's name in small red print: Kylo Ren.

 

"I made a deal with myself to write every time I wanted to contact you. To see for myself if you were healing, or just hear how you were," he explains, staring at the book where he's placed it in Rey's hands. Then he drags his gaze up to hers. "Once, it didn't work."

 

Rey sniffs, helpless. "My birthday."

 

Ben nods, stuffs his hands inside his pockets like he did so long ago. "It's nothing special, a small publisher picked it up, but I wouldn't have been able to finish it if it weren't for you."

 

"I'm sorry you were alone," she whispers because she is. "I would've helped you." It's a weight off her chest that he's back with his family.

 

"You did," Ben says and then there's a long moment, loud in its unbearable silence.

 

It's a relief when the door swings open, and Jyn enters, Cassian in tow.

 

"What do you know, they're both alive," he goes. "And fully dressed."

 

Jyn clocks him in the shoulder. "That's inappropriate, _Captain_." She smiles. "Good news Lieutenant Solo, the storm passed over to the east, you've been cleared for take-off." 

 

*

 

Rey absolutely _doesn't_ watch him go, is grateful that no one asks any questions. Jyn simply lights a joint outside and offers it without a word.

 

 

*

 

The book is novella length and, by its own description, an abstract telling of early Complex PTSD.

 

So that night, she reads of a young boy, whose parents always return but are never truly present. Of a boy who dreams of shadows that chase him into daytime. A teenager who is convinced the only way to be free of pain is to defy the ones he loves. Of a young man that seeks the help to heal yet runs dry, making amends and fails and fails and fails to fully rise above.

 

He writes about Yellow. How, at first, the spark within reminds the man of dark times as a boy. But Yellow is thicker than pain and can inhabit a canvas so void of color it's hard to fathom, stubbornly reject the shelter that darkness can offer and blossoms all the brighter for it. How Yellow primes the dullest greys and weaves them into art.

 

She reads how Yellow's acceptance of shadows, helped the man to find his own. How, one moment at a time, he found a way to rise.

 

He writes that when darkness descended again, there were already Yellow markers to light the way back out.

 

*

 

Rey dreams of a red beacon in the sky. A girl in a yellow dress. A boy in black.

 

Of flowers at the end of a runway.

 

*

 

Leia Skypes with her in the morning, and they apologize back and forth until they laugh through tears. It's adorable how Chewie's ears perk up at hearing Rey's voice, then scrambles to perch on Leia's lap. She fills them in on her contribution to the workshop, tells her about Jyn having been raised on stories of her and Han. Rey very pointedly isn't mentioning the book, it made her feel sad and hopeful and everything in between.

 

"My son is infuriating when it comes to showing emotions," Leia tells her before they hang up. "Just like his father was. I hope you find it in you to forgive him."

*

 

The workshop keeps her busy enough to keep her mind from wandering, mostly. Evenings drag more than usual, she feels idle in a way she doesn't recognize. Most nights, she watches reruns of cupcake wars until she drifts off, albeit fancying sweets.

 

*

 

Finn

_No joke, I can hear Poe crying in his bed._

 

Rey

_WTF is he okay_

 

Finn

_Like loudly_

 

Rey

_Check on him?_

 

Finn

_Yup_

_..._

_Guess what he was reading_

_..._

_That's right_

_literature's newest hero_

_why did I have to learn about this from him_

_..._

_You can't ignore me Rey_

 

Rey

_I'm choosing to take the high road_

_and raise you one for the excuse to sneak into Poe's bedroom_

 

Finn

_How big of you_

_but I have other reasons too *eggplant emoji*_

 

Rey

_OMG_

 

Finn

_That's what he said_

 

*

There are already fifty-nine reviews on amazon for _Yellow_ , ranging from 3.5 - 5 stars. The main complaint people seem to have is, why the author chose leave who or what Yellow is a mystery? Rey finds one review that gave it 5 stars:

'Internal Conflict = Activated.' To ya'll who don't get why Yellow is in code, read the dedication and get back to me. I'll wait.

 

Rey had skipped right to the first chapter, but now she picks up her copy, flips open the third page where she finds, indeed, two short sentences.

 

And I can't pretend it's the color I see. Just you.

 

*

 

Rey

_It's great, honestly_

__

Kylo Ren

_Thank you_

 

_*_

 

At the end of the last day on the internship, while everyone says their goodbyes, Cassian slips Rey an envelope with a cheque. It's a decent amount to Rey, nothing groundbreaking, but she also didn't _expect_ anything. This wasn't supposed to be a paid internship.

 

"I know a better-funded organization will offer you more," he says, uncharacteristically serious. "But if money isn't what you're after, we would be glad to have you back when you've got your qualifications."

 

"I believe that's the nicest thing you've done, offering me a job with subpar pay. Thank you."

 

"It was an honor," he bows, Rey snorts. "Yeah, go. You've already spent too much time with Erso."

 

"Not enough." Jyn appears by her side like she was summoned.

 

They wait in silence as the others wave and drive away. Completing this feels like another milestone. The feeling of pride is a welcome one. But there's an underlying sadness to see it end.

 

Only when everyone is out of sight, does Jyn speak up. "So, Rey, want to tell me what your story is?"

 

She smiles, the relief flooding her is staggering, "You first."

 

*

They choose the least dodgy of the three bars in town, find a booth, and have two shots. Jyn tells her that her mother left when she was small, and so was raised by her father, who sounds like a bit of a loose cannon but taught her everything she knows about aircraft and space travel. Her trouble phase was fleeting but defined much of who she is today.

 

"I was a rogue in that small town, 'individuality' wasn't exactly tolerated. Being the only openly queer kid didn't help either. The city was a better suit for me, still is. Great as it is out here, I'm always glad when the season's over, and I'm back in Chicago. Anyway, in college, I started going to meetups for all sexual orientations. It was normal. That's when I started to identify as Pansexual," Jyn catches Rey's expression. "What?"

 

"You can tell me to mind my own business but, you and Cassian seem... close?" she hedges, feeling a little naive.

 

Luckily, Jyn grins as though endeared, her green eyes sparkling prettily under the warm light of the bar. "It's complicated. He lives a few hours drive away and isn't one for uncertainty. I'm not ready to settle down and all that. I might never be, and it would suck to hurt him." She raises a brow. "Your turn."

 

"I'm kind of from everywhere and nowhere, so you'll have to be specific. What do you want to know?"

 

"What it's like to be emotionally invested in one of the most influential families in this fragile political climate," she answers without missing a beat. "More importantly, why a Solo crossed states to let you yell at him."

 

*

 

She makes it through the story of how she came to be here without any major hitch until... Chewie comes up. How he waits by the door for Han to return home will never not break her heart. But as it is, she only nearly cries a couple of times and smiles much more than that. How she met Ben is way funnier in hindsight.

 

"The ball's definitely in your court," Jyn announces way too loudly. Rey didn't even bring up the book or enclose delicate details about the events on the Solo airfield and of what followed. It's actually tricky to navigate information when half of it is considered classified. But Jyn seems to follow her just fine. "And that _Matt_ is a fucking pinhead if he seriously couldn't work out what was going on between you and Ben Swolo."

 

"Shhh. Oh my god," Rey groans, heat rising to her cheeks. They've each had a couple of beers since. "Please stop calling him that. There wasn't anything. Didn't you listen? I was a kid to him when we met."

 

"Uh, huh. I have _eyes,_ Rey _._ That tension between you would be visible from space. Actually," she lights up. "I could make that happen."

 

"For science."

 

"All the science. Whatever else?" She takes a swig of her beer and bites her lip, considering Rey thoroughly. "My point is, _was_ might be the keyword. You have to know that you're like-- really hot. I doubt that was much different, what, twelve months ago? Even if he tried, Lieutenant Solo couldn't not have noticed."

 

"Thanks, I think," Rey blushes, this time to her hairline, shakes her head in denial. "So you're saying Matt is either oblivious or a total dog?"

 

"What I'm saying is, it makes no difference. Rey, you started to regret hooking up the moment you found out that _Ben_ hadn't gone far. You acted on something, you might not have done had he been around. Like a weird virgin rebound."

 

It sinks into her slowly, the fragments of the truth. "What I regret is not having all the facts when I made that choice, yeah. Either way, Ben and I were friends." Jyn gives her a look that suggests she still doesn't believe her. "And, as _Matt's_ boss, it could make things awkward. I might've wanted to avoid dating him then. I still don't feel _bad_ per se. I was curious and never felt sure enough in myself before, you know?"

 

"In conclusion, you're the dog," Jyn teases, biting her lip playfully again and leaning closer. Maybe it's the alcohol that's making Rey better at reading the signals. "Was it what you thought it would be?"

 

"At least it confirmed I enjoy being intimate with guys, for the most part," she tries, slowly tracing circles into the condensation on her bottle. "And that I would still like to explore other options..." her voice trails off because she isn't _good_ at any of this, but there's a certain thrill when she wets her lips and Jyn's eyes track the movement.

 

"I might have an idea of how to get that done if you're open to suggestions."

 

"For science?"

 

"Fuck, yes." Jyn takes her hand and pulls her toward the bathroom. "In the name of science."

 

That's how Rey finds herself seeing stars, pushed up against the inside of a bathroom stall. Nobody bats an eyelid when two women share, but eventually, Jyn has to muffle the needy noises Rey makes with her palm. She comes twice that night, once right there on Jyn's fingers and the second time in Rey's bed on her mouth. She gets to return the favor. And though she has no idea what she is doing, wants to try everything at once, Jyn is generous in her responses, her body pliant under Rey's hands, her lips. She marvels at the softness of her skin, the heat between her legs, the taste. Kissing women is different than men, they're softer all over. She doesn't mind staying tangled up in each other _as_ much.

 

"It suits you," Jyn says in the morning, doodling a fingertip along the lines of her tattoo. The sun is breaking through the window; everything is awash in shades of orange. "Like an organic compass, it finds which way to turn."

 

The sadness Rey felt about leaving, she discovers, has lifted entirely by the time she packs the last of her belongings, Jyn hugs her tightly, gives her a blinding smile farewell.

 

She gets a text before she boards the plane to New York.

 

Jyn Erso

_May the force be with you, Rey from nowhere._

 

Rey

_Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning, rogue one_

 

*

 

The first shift back at Coffee Rebels is strange in that way everything seems new after having been away for a while. Rey gets into the groove quickly, though, once the morning rush begins. It's nice to be back, but it's not until just before her shift ends that Ben walks in. He stalls when he spots her behind the bar so she pastes on a smile she knows is too gummy.

 

"I didn't know you were back," are his greeting words. He looks at Maz, who shrugs.

 

"Huh. Must've slipped my mind," she smirks, suddenly very busy with the pastry display.

 

Now that Rey had some time to process, she never hoped to avoid him altogether, couldn't have, even if he hurt her. Evidently, though, he would've tried. "How have you been?" she asks painfully polite. He actually cringes, so she changes course. "Back at the station already?"

 

"Yeah, uh, for a few of weeks now. It's the same." He runs a hand through his hair. The whole thing is getting harder to bear by the second. "You?"

 

"Also. Same. Although, I think I got taller." Instead of chuckling, he actually seems to measure her stature, it's very disconcerting, how off-kilter this interaction is. "I was joking. There goes my stand up career, I guess."

 

He does smile then, bashful in a way she's never witnessed before. "Sorry. Hopefully, deliriously tired thirty-something's aren't your target audience."

 

"Oh, right. Americano, with coconut creamer to go?" Rey starts the drink and Ben thanks her. She can see now how exhausted he really is.

 

He looks _good_ , always does - even the scar seems to only have added to the tall and dark thing he has going - but today the shadows under his eyes are very prominent. She's seen him tired before, it comes with weird hours on the job; this seems different.

 

*

 

It's only a few days later that Leia calls her to ask for a favor. Classes have only just resumed and, that afternoon, Rey is in the thick of organizing herself and arranging a consistent schedule at the in-house library.

 

But when she's informed Ben's sick enough he didn't go to work, that _does_ get her attention. Leia is swamped at the office and has a conference meeting in an hour, and says what a darling Rey would be if she could stop by at Maz's to pick up soup for Ben. Rey can't say no, it's on her way home anyway. This is fine.

 

The story checks out too. Maz equips her with a giant Tupperware of soup, a jar of flu medication and keys to Ben's apartment she had supposedly been meaning to return, all Rey needs to do is hand it over and leave. No big deal.

 

She's never been to his new place but knows where the address is. When she gets there, someone holds the door for her to get into the building. His number is on the fifth floor; the lift is working, at least. But then, of course, she knocks, and there's no answer. She does this for a few minutes and is considering just leaving the stuff outside, if it weren't for the kids she saw playing by the elevator; leaving medication in their reach would be irresponsible.

 

And so after she tries his cell and it goes to voicemail, she pulls the key's from her bag. The reason _why_ he didn't answer becomes apparent as soon as she unlocks the door. From somewhere further inside, she hears a shower going.

 

Rey chews her lip. The shiny black kitchen counter is within sight at the end of the hall. She weighs her options. Just run in, leave everything on the counter, then back out. That shouldn't be too problematic. She'll send him a message afterward to make sure he knows where she left everything. Solid plan.

 

The shower is still rushing as she shoots through the hallway and goes to set the soup down and drop the meds and keys, confident that her escape is imminent and incredibly stealthy. She does take in some of her surroundings. The place is dark, she can see a massive bookshelve on the far wall. On the sofa is a nest of blankets and pillows, a game controller lying on top and his TV's screen is blue. Even in passing the place seems very _Ben._

 

As soon as the Tupperware touches the surface of the kitchen counter, though, the sound of water behind her ceases. Still, Rey tries to remain calm, she should have a few moments spare.

 

It all happens at once. She turns on her heels, still confident to sneak out, when the bathroom door swings open, flooding the hallway with bright light and rolling steam.

 

There's a desperate sort of gargle escaping her throat as she realizes she _is_ going to get caught.

 

Her initial thought is what kind of person doesn't even _drip dry_.

 

Her second, is _holy baby jesus_ , as Ben turns the corner toward her. He's just _right there_. And she's aware firefighters have to keep fit, but she wasn't prepared at all for the glistening expanse of pale skin and muscle that greets her. He looks like he's made of _marble_.

 

There's a towel around his waist, _thank the ever-living gods_ , and another over his left shoulder. The wave of strong eucalyptus hits her at the same time, as she slaps both hands over her face, one finger nicking her eyeball on the way.

 

" _Rey_?"

 

" _Ow_ , motherfucker," she expels a string of curses. He wasn't showering, she surmises even while in pain, he was making a steam chamber of his bathroom.

 

"How--"

 

"I'm sorry!" she squaks. "Your mother sent soup, you didn't answer the door, or your phone," she babbles an incoherent string of consciousness, her eyes still firmly covered - if she could die right this second that would be great, thanks - then proceeds with the biggest lie of all time, "I didn't see _anything_!"

 

"And nor will you again, apparently," says Ben, sounding much closer than she thought he was.

 

"Blinding myself felt like the suitable punishment," she hisses at the pain again. "Is that _essential oil_ you're using?"

 

"Aromatherapy is very effective." A large hand circles her wrist. "Let me see."

 

His skin is _fire_ , his voice more nasal than usual. He really is sick. Rey lets him tug her hand away and is met with his chest once more - the scar... it connects neatly from his face all the way over his collarbone to his right peck. Thankfully, he tilts her head to get a good look at her eye, actually pulling her lower lid down then the top one up.

 

"I didn't know you were an optometrist," she says, simply to break the silence.

 

"I could be. You don't know my hobbies."

 

"Hero by day, literature, and optometry by night. It's like a reverse secret nerd identity."

 

It still burns, but Ben seems to be satisfied with the examination. "It doesn't look like you've scratched it. You're good."

 

_You're good._

 

"Thank you."

 

And now that he's freed her eye, they're just standing there, his palm half cupping her cheek, his thumb catching the moisture from where it's watering. His other hand, she notes belatedly, is still holding her wrist between them. He seems content to just to stay like this, in her space; she can feel the heat from his body. His eyes are hooded and glassy with fever. He hardly seems aware of what they're doing. There's a squeeze somewhere in her chest.

 

"Rey," Ben breathes.

 

Rey extract's herself from him fast but gently. He shivers. "Go put on something warm," she instructs. "I'll heat up the soup."

 

"You don't have to," Ben protests, but there isn't much conviction behind it. "I'm fine."

 

"Just let me, okay? It's hardly like walking into a burning building. But if you want, we can call it even." Her voice is steady, she's proud to hear. "Find a shirt, if you still own those."

 

"This is my place," he grumbles as she pushes him towards what she thinks must be his bedroom. "Your bedside manner sucks."

 

*

 

Rey finds a bowl, heats a portion of the soup in the microwave and fills the largest glass he owns with water from his filter. She tops that up, too. By the time he shuffles back into the lounge, wearing tracksuit pants and a black hoodie, she's set everything out on his coffee table, plus two of the pills. 

 

"Eat," she tells him. He sinks onto the sofa and pulls the blanket over himself, his nose red and generally looking miserable. She picks up the meds, drops them in his palm. "Take these."

 

"I don't need medicine."

 

" _Really_? Did you take something for the fever yet?" He sighs, she grins. "That's what I thought. Drink."

 

"Thanks," he says after he downs them, then picks up the spoon. He twirls it between his fingers, looking as if he's working something out. It's kind of adorable, honestly, how hard he's concentrating. And that's not a word she ever thought to use for Ben Solo. It's only topped by how he directs the full force of his puppy eyes at her. "You have to go?" 

 

Rey thinks of the pile of work waiting for her at home, the laundry that needs tackling, the drink she was supposed to have afterward with Rose. That this is a terrible idea. Shaking him is never going to get easier.

 

"Not yet," she says out loud and picks up her phone to cancel on drinks. "Movie?"

 

He picks a film on Netflix while Rey refills his water, helping herself to one as well and, upon her return, almost drops them both.

 

"I didn't know you wear glasses." Ben really is trying to murder her tonight.

 

He looks away as she makes herself comfortable in the armchair like he's trying to _hide_ them. "I only use them at home, for watching TV. I've got contacts otherwise."

 

They're wire framed and in combination with the messy hair... if Rey had a favorite look for him before, she's just updated that mental note. This idea is getting progressively worse.

 

But, "I like them," she tells him honestly because he's so self-conscious. "You look very wise."

 

"I'm pretty sure that's code for old," he mutters as he selects a movie.

 

It's another foreign film, and they get about halfway before Ben's head starts to dip and then he's out like a light from a combination of the fever and the medicine, exactly like Rey knew would happen. She switches off and tidies away quietly, writes a sticky note to remind him when to take the next round, sticks it on the jar and sets it down on the coffeetable alongside another serving of water. The glasses are crooked on his nose where his cheek is pressing into the cushion. She slides them off slowly, so they don't start to hurt him.

 

Brushing hair from his brow to check for temperature, she's relieved to find that it has dropped by some. The pads of her fingers linger for a beat right above where his scar tapers off, and Ben sighs in his sleep. She withdraws, her eyes burning for different reasons as she grabs her stuff. There's a picture of Han and baby Ben on the wall she pauses in front of, before finally leaving.

 

*

 

Rose

_I hope you didn't cancel on me because of laundry_

_it better have been a hot date_

 

Rey

_Very_

_hottest ever_

 

*

 

Rey dreams of water and damp skin.

 

She dreams of heat under her own.

 

*

 

Of course, she wakes up with a fever. Fortunately, it's Sunday, the one a month she has off from work. Ironically, Finn comes by to bring her the same kind of medication she forced Ben to take.

 

"Mind explaining that again?" Finn takes a sip of the tea he's made. "I don't think I heard right the first time."

 

They're sitting on her futton, and she's doing her best not to spill tea on her linens. She's only just bought them thanks to the internship - the first set of her own. "It's really not that funny. I brought him soup, made him eat it. Made sure he drank water... What?"

 

"Nothing. You're right." His face falls a bit. "I just hope that both of you know what you're doing. The back and forth isn't only hard for you. Poe says it's stressing Leia out. She wants her family together."

 

"For a moment I thought she made it up so I would go and see him," Rey agrees. She's sweaty and gross, it's definitely real. "Joke's on me."

 

"I love you. But does keeping Ben at arms length really make anything better?"

 

Picking things she could separate from loss was how she dealt for long enough it had become merged with her identity. She doesn't know what else to do but uphold the divide. If she allowed Ben in and he left again, she'd only have herself to blame. When she tells Finn as much, his eyes soften.

 

"Your theory is flawed, Peanut. Would you never go ice skating again because it reminds you of Matt?"

 

"That's different."

 

"How? He also hurt you, lied in a way. That was painful wasn't it?'"

 

She opens and closes her mouth a few time. "Yes."

 

"So it's not all about what might remind you of someone, it's about _who_ it is you're afraid of losing."

 

She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath. "Yes."

 

"That can happen if you let them share your life or not. It just sucks more for both of you if you don't." Finn nudges her foot with his, affectionate. "Whenever you're ready."

 

*

 

Ben

_I'm sorry I got you sick_

 

Rey's just gotten out of the shower when her phone buzzes with his message. That news traveled fast.

 

Rey

_Just tell me the truth_

_How long does this torture last?_

 

Ben

_Not long._

_Less if someone blackmails you into eating soup_

_and drugs you._

 

Rey

_Finn's already on that._

 

Ben

_That's why I don't have friends_

_I get to really drag out my suffering._

_No one will find my body for weeks, by then cats have eaten my face._

 

She worries her lip, considering her response and slipping into her pajama's.

 

Rey

_Pity_

_It's a good face_

_I'd like to save it._

 

Ben

_You want to keep my face?_

_That's dark even for you_

 

Rey

_What are friends for_

_I'll make sure it won't become kibbles._

 

Ben

_I'm flattered_

 

_*_

 

It does pass quickly, Rey gets to all her classes only a little drugged. The shift at the cafe is short and quiet in the evening and Maz, for once, doesn't pry when Rey says Ben transferred his germs, just assigns her to the stockroom for the evening to sort through merchandise in case she's still contagious.

 

She doesn't see Ben for a while, but she makes up for drinks with Rose, and meets Leia at her office for lunch between classes a few days later. Life, in general, takes on an even flow again, of work and studies and friends. Which means that what happens at Poe and Finn's game night two weeks later should've come entirely expected.

 

*

 

Because Rey hadn't spoken to Luke or Poe since before she left, there's this underlying tension in the air even when everyone is immersed in the game. It's Poe's idea to play Mario-cart, and naturally, things get competitive fast. Rey and Ben end up in opposing teams and find the most creative way to passively beat each other to the detriment of their sides. In contrast, Finn and Poe shit talk Luke mercilessly, throwing him completely. But it's not until the game is deemed in half time that shit really hits the fan.

 

"I didn't know you guys made up," Luke tells her, offering her a beer in the kitchen. "After talking to you on his Birthday, I wasn't sure you would forgive him."

 

"You have a good poker face, I remember." Rey hums, kind of wanting to drop it already. "Ben did what he had to do."

 

"We wanted to tell you the truth."

 

"But you lied anyway," she reminds him.

 

"I had no choice," he says, taking zero responsibility. As if he couldn't have done something before anything happened. And then he says half in jest, "But why don't you tell me how you really feel?"

 

"You should've been the one to leave." It slips out without her consciously deciding to, she has to resist the urge to comically clamp a hand over her mouth.

 

"Pardon?" asks Luke, somehow even managing to be offended loudly. "They asked Ben, he was the eyewitness, the one with the connection to Snoke."

 

"And why is that?" she snaps. "Oh, wait. I'll tell you. Because, from what I can see, you were glad enough to let your nephew carry all the burden for you. You could've prevented it from escalating."

 

"What would you know of it, you've been here for two minutes and think you have a better grip on our life?"

 

"Two minutes in which I witnessed your friend's life end," she's already crying, she realizes, tears of frustration.

 

The other's have caught wind by now, Finn's trying to mediate and guide Rey from the kitchen while she's having none of it.

 

" _Enough_." It's Ben in front of her now. His expression is new, though, there's something in his eyes akin to awe. "Stop, please."

 

"She's just like you. You both lash out as if the world owes you something," Luke carries on so Ben spins back on him.

 

"That's _right_ ," he spits, that rage he fought hard to contain surfacing"Some of us have to _beg_ to get others to listen, especially to call them out on their _bullshit_. She isn't wrong about anything either, you know," he adds. "It must be difficult to hear it from someone that loved Dad as much as we did. It's too late for him, uncle Luke, don't let down what's left of your family."

 

"Ben," Leia says, determinedly. "You can't blame Luke for what happened to your father."

 

"I don't, but Rey's right, I covered for him long enough and lost almost everyone I care about. _I_ forgave him." Ben's lips tremble, his eyes imploring his mother and Rey catches the moment Finn and Poe hang their heads like they can't watch either. "Luke blames himself." He glances at Luke. "Maybe it's time to admit why."

 

*

 

Luke fled almost immediately. Rey feels so ashamed, she apologizes profusely to Poe and Finn for ruining their evening, but Leia reassures her she's not angry at anyone, disappointed perhaps; the Skywalker household has a turbulent history. That's possibly why Luke has been hiding from conflict for so long. He's also traumatized.

 

"Come on, let's get you home," Ben offers them both.

 

When they're in the car, he catches Rey's eye in the mirror. "I used to try and get Luke to react to _something_ just to see if he can even hear me. Then I learned about my own dissociation. He means no harm, he's just not who he used to be."

 

"What happened?"

 

Leia sighs tiredly. "Our father was a pretty bad influence when we were young. Luke kept loving him anyway. Our mother said when he died, he took a part of Luke with him."

 

The rest of the short drive is quiet. Ben drops Leia first, and Rey watches him walk her to her building. Leia laughs at something he's saying, swipes him for it and they exchange a heartwarming hug. She has to redirect her gaze, it feels like intruding on a private moment.

 

When he gets back, he pulls her door open. "I'm not your driver. Get in the front."

 

"It's like two blocks down.

 

"Just do it."

 

Rey rolls her eyes and swats at him herself when he goes to open the passenger door for her. "Can we drop this ancient practice already? Look - women have hands to open their own doors, who knew."

 

"Yeah I'm pretty sure that's just you," he says, mild, and walks around to his side.

 

"I'm the only woman with hands?"

 

He huff. "Some women consider it polite."

 

"Polite..." she says slowly. "Huh, never heard of it."

 

"Jesus."

 

It really is only a couple of minutes to her place, and when he parks on the curb, she's surprised when he gets out again.

 

"You're really walking me two feet to my door?"

 

"Yeah." He nods, slowing his pace as they stop by the steps outside. "Anything could happen between here and there."

 

"Must be that polite thing you've been going on about," she jokes weakly, the evening's events catching up with her. "I'm sorry."

 

"I know," says Ben. There's that look in his eyes again from earlier. "You don't have to fight battles for me."

 

"Stop that, pretending it's your battle alon--" she starts, and he interrupts her with a subtle smirk.

 

" _But,"_ he clarifies, "I appreciate it." His gaze wanders to somewhere over her shoulder, then back. "I'm not used to having someone come to my defense."

 

"You do it all the time. You did tonight and didn't even notice." Rey shakes her head and says, "Everyone needs someone to fight in their corner from time to time. You're a million times over worthy of that. You don't have to shoulder every burden on your own."

 

"Okay," he says simply. "I'll off-load on you next chance I get."

 

"It's all I ask." Rey smiles, her heart beating stupidly over deciding to go through with what she's about to do. She takes two steps, surer than she feels as she rests her fingers against his shoulder and stands on her toes to press a kiss to his cheek. It's a tall order, it lands mostly on his jaw. And his hand shoots out to steady her lower back as if he anticipates her to fall.

 

It's sweet. Until she only gets a taste of how _good_ Ben smells, then it's decidedly _not_ , and she drifts back to the safety of even ground. "Goodnight, Ben."

 

He doesn't look as dazed, the bastard. If anything, there's a triumphant glint in his eyes as they follow her back-up the steps. In that way, Ben always wins the upper hand, while she's just over here trying not to trip. "Goodnight, Sweetheart."

 

 _Anything can happen between here and there,_ indeed.

 

*

 

Rey dreams of hiding, delighted in the chase.

 

She dreams of a new fever simmering beneath her skin

 

*

 

The thing about fucking up is, once you've admitted it, you have to follow through on making amends before things get unsalvagable. Rey still _believes_ in what she said to Luke but acting on anger never bodes well for making a case. Her intention had never been to hurt Luke, nevermind to create conflict in his family.

 

She goes to the fire station on a free period between classes, taking a spacey looking flask she picked specifically for him - it's metallic green, the bottom lights up with led lights when you press the nozzle - and fills it on the way past the cafe as a peace offering. The entire team is at the table upstairs when she gets to the station, apparently just having had breakfast. Ben appears to be a little more than amused at Matt's awkward little salute from a distance and then at how quickly he scuttles away. Which, honestly, is fine by her. She's not here for Matt.

 

"That thing is, _wow_. You can't bribe everyone with coffee, you know," Ben says, eyeing the flask and unlocks the passage to Luke's office.

 

"That sounds fake to me."

 

Ben chuckles. "Yeah, it would. Just try not to start a fight. He's the Captain. I would hate having to kick you out."

 

"I'm not worried. I reckon I could take you," Rey tells him, knocking trice on Luke's office-door. Ben cocks his head.

 

"You're probably right."

 

"Come in!" Luke's voice booms from the inside and Ben leaves, _saluting_ her wearing a shit-eating grin, like an asshole.

 

The inside of the office is exactly what she expected. Grey filing cabinets are bracketing an oakwood desk that's littered with books, open letters, and documents.

 

"Rey. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Luke says, dry, from his seat behind it.

 

"I brought coffee?" she tries, presenting him with the monstrosity and his lips twitch almost imperceptibly when she sets it down on his desk, presses the button and it lights up.

 

"Wow," he says, just like Ben did. "How did I earn such a sacred artifact?"

 

Rey deflates and collapses into the chair in front of him, entirely ungracefully. "The other night... I was _angry_. There's no excuse for treating you like that. I'm sorry."

 

"You're not sorry about what you said, because you care about my nephew."

 

She opens and closes her mouth. "I... of course? Ben saved my life."

 

"Relax, Rey, I'm not fishing for a declaration. Jeez." Luke takes the empty mug on his desk that outrageously reads 'Master Skywalker' and fills it with steaming coffee from the flask. The little lights go crazy, and Luke smiles properly this time. "It's good," he says, taking a sip then, "What I mean is, you care about Ben, so you see it from his point of view. I have to be big enough to admit that you were right about some of the things, at least. He's taken on a lot of responsibility over the years, I didn't notice that it became too much. There's a reason why there is a Captain, and Ben seems to have carried both, the duties as a lieutenant and some of mine. He's very competent. The truth is, Ben made my job easier because he meets its demands."

 

Rey's not entirely sure what the right response is. "He shouldn't have to."

 

"No. You're right. That was unfair of me. I see that now." Luke takes another drink. "And I want to apologize for what I said, too. No matter what, Rey. You're important to this family."

 

Rey raises her brows and he rolls his eyes.

 

"Fine. To _me._ The moment Han dropped you in our midsts, it brought us closer together. And it's because you have a way to break people out of their comfort zones and get them to confront important truths. Like making time for family and friends or supporting each other through hard times. I appreciate that you care so much."

 

"Your family opened a lot of doors to me," she reasons.

 

"And you earned every one of them, Rey. No one handed anything to you." Luke clears his throat like this is as weird to him. "We are lucky to have you." Rey grins, and he bumps his fist on his chest, coughing. "That was _hard_."

 

"It looked painful from where I was sitting, yeah," she admits. "I gotta get to class but, thanks Luke, really."

 

"Yeah yeah, run along now." He shoos her, gruffly. "Send Ben to me on your way, will you?"

 

Before she shuts the door, she sees him fiddle with the flask again and tramples a new wave of affection.

 

*

 

"Of course he'd love it," Ben says. Rey found him downstairs between the engines and whatever he's doing takes a lot of reaching up or bending over. His black Henley stretches tight in all the right places. It's really working for her. "Mum says he wanted to be an astronaut."

 

"I can picture it. Luke, first man on the moon: _A small step for man, a massive pain in the ass for everyone else. How much money did this crap cost..."_ she blabs, but Ben's clearly entertained. "He wants to see you, by the way."

 

"Thanks for... this." He stops working, runs a hand through his hair. "She was worried one of you won't show next time."

 

"Right. As long as _Leia's_ not worried," Rey teases, but his expression clouds.

 

" _Rey_ ," he _warns_ her. It's also him, though, who scans around them for an audience before drawing closer. Her breath catches in her throat as he leans over her and drops a kiss high on her cheek. Just a peck but it's enough to make her stomach flutter. "I always want you around, you know that," he says into her ear before pulling back.

 

The words are, by every standard, so _innocent_ , it worries her what would happen if Ben Solo really turned it on. And he also must know how flustered it makes her, his blank expression isn't fooling anyone.

 

"I do?" she asks because her brain to mouth coordination has yet to reboot.

 

Ben, to his credit, actually seems concerned that they've got their wires crossed. "You don't?"

 

"No, I mean I do," she's actually laughing at how stupid this is. "But Ben, you don't have to wait for the next dinner if you want to hang out."

 

"Okay," he says, again in that way of his.

 

"Okay," she agrees, backing up, watching him watch her leave before spinning around. She might have even won this round. She might also be grinning like an idiot all the way to Uni.

 

*

 

Kylo Ren

_Luke offered to formally train me as Captain this morning._

_He's taking that flask with him when he retires._

 

Rey

_Congrats? I think we are excited about this_

_Accept only if he leaves the mug_

_That mug must be passed down to the next generation_

 

Kylo Ren

_We'll have to see if I'm worthy of it_

 

*

 

It's a measure of Rey's self-control when the next big fire happens, and she doesn't hear from him for hours. She's given up on writing her paper, and, instead, streams the live news on her laptop. The fire started in a restaurant overnight, and spread to the building above it. They're evacuating residence with truck ladders, the smoke billows from the windows all the way up to the second to last floor. Ambulances are on site. Two casualties have so far been reported - a dozen more people are thought to be trapped inside.

 

It's impossible to make out who is under the gear, but she imagines that every time a jacket with yellow stripes emerges from the building, it's Ben. There's the urge to go to the site herself as if that would help anything. Leia's out of town for another conference. Although they promised to update each other, Rey doesn't want to interrupt her work because she's freaking out.

 

It goes like this, until late in the afternoon and the fire is deemed under control. The body count has gone up to five by then, including a boy and his mother. Rey's heart sinks. Ben and his team saved dozens of lives today, but every loss will be felt by a thousand.

 

Leia calls her in the evening. The fire is finally out, the team are clearing the sight. Luke is dealing with the police and the official investigation. Ben went back to the station with the majority of the team, the rest are getting standard check-ups by medics. When Leia spoke to Ben, he told her he just wants to go home tonight.

 

Rey resists pressing the matter. All she does is send a message and takes a long shower before bed.

 

Rey

_Anything you need_

 

_*_

 

She sleeps fitfully, keeps waking dreamless episodes, until sometime in the small hours of the morning, her doorbell rings. She half-thinks she's dreamed it but peels herself off the mattress to answer the buzzer.

 

Rey grunts into it. "Hello?"

 

"Can I come up?"

 

It's Ben's voice. She buzzes him in and has the presence of mind to pat her hair down and drink some water before she hears the lift arrive on her floor. Her pajamas could be worse. She's in an old grey Nasa t-shirt that gets more threadbare every time it's washed, her bottoms are just red flannel. She opens before he has to knock because now that she's checked the time it's one-thirty and her downstairs neighbors have a newborn and definitely appreciate their few hours of sleep.

 

Like before, the ability to breathe returns suddenly upon seeing Ben lumber down the hallway towards her. He's in tracksuit bottoms, too and the black hoodie she's seen him in when he was sick. Which means he's been home to shower and change. His hair is disarray, even more so than usual, but it's his expression that breaks her.

 

He stops just shy of her doorstep like he expects her to shut the door on him. His chest is heaving as if it's taken him great effort to be here. It probably has. And his _eyes,_ they implore her silently. It's another challenge of sorts, so she opens the door wider without a word, steps aside to let him through.

 

Ben is comically huge, standing in her studio, silently drinking in the few pieces of furniture she owns, the string lights she hung from the ceiling.

 

"Ben," she says and he shudders, his breathing uneven and ragged.

 

He shakes his head, glances at her, skittish. "I'm sorry," he whispers, lips trembling and that's all the invitation she needs to throw her arms around his neck as his shoulders begin to shake. He clutches onto her, like she's the lifeline, even when it's her toes that are hovering above the floor with how hard he's crushing her to him.

 

Ben's heart is beating something fierce, she can feel it _thump_ _thump_ against her sternum. "I'm sorry," he repeats, again and again, his face buried in her neck. Her shirt is bunched oddly in his fingers, he smells like flames. "I couldn't get to him," he heaves. And Rey isn't sure if it's this time he means or another. Regardless, her own eyes fill with tears. "He called for me and I couldn't..."

 

"Shhh." she makes a lullaby of it. "It isn't your fault."

 

It feels like hours they stand there like this, she's not really sure he listens to what she's saying as long as she keeps doing it. He gradually quiets down, his hold on her relaxing, but she's not letting go until he tells her to. Only when her head starts to droop, and she fails to stifle a yawn, he draws his head away.

 

"You're tired."

 

"So are you."

 

"I'm sorry." He makes to move, so she clings onto his shirt sleepily. "I should go."

 

"You could," she mumbles into his shoulder. "Or you could come to bed."

 

Ben doesn't miss a beat, doesn't freeze or hesitate. He lifts her back up and walks them over to her futon. She wines when he pries her fingers off his shirt.

 

"You're very comfortable." She never said she'd make it easy for him to leave.

 

"Rey," he begs, voice thick. "I'm not leaving." And Rey realizes she said that out loud. "Let me take my shoes off."

 

"Oh."

 

"Can I take off my sweater, is that okay?" Ben checks and she nods enthusiastically.

 

"Who wouldn't want to see you shirtless? You're shredded." Rey doesn't even regret this one. "You could charge for it."

 

"Is that your way of hitting on me in my fragile state?"

 

"Depends. Is it working?"

 

"Gods," he chuckles watery, _tiredly_ but genuine and her heart squeezes. "If you open your eyes you'd know I'm very decent. Scoot up."

 

She does peek before she rolls over. He's wearing a grey t-shirt, much like her own. The whole mattress dips under his weight, and she slides straight back to the centre. And before she can rights herself - she really was planning on offering him all the space - he tucks her into his side.

 

"This is a terrible idea," Ben says into the silence, she can feel his words reverberate under her. She hums in agreement. Then he adds quieter, "Thanks, Rey."

 

"Anytime."

 

 

*

 

Rey dreams of silence, of still waters.

 

She dreams of sunshine on her skin. Of peace.

 

*

 

The heat rouses Rey from her sleep. Sometime during the night, she noticed Ben get up to use the bathroom and when he returned, he kept a more sober distance. But they've moved again since, and somehow Rey is the big spoon to Ben's little. He's got one of her hands clasped to his heart, her forehead is pressed to the space between his shoulder blades, and their legs are tangled. One of hers is definitely dead under the weight of his and its _hot_. Like heat-hot. They must've stirred awake at the same time because he answers her whine with a chuckle.

 

Still, no one makes an attempt to move until Rey opens her eyes, noting how much sunlight is flooding her room.

 

"Fuck," she says, withdrawing from their little blanket oven, and flops onto her back.

 

Ben pushes up on his elbows, rubs a hand over his face. "I was going to say _hi_ , but..."

 

" _Hi_. I'm late for class... I think." She points to the floor next to him without looking. "Check if my phone is next to you?"

 

He fishes for it, hissing at the movement. Passes it. "I could drive you," he offers while Rey checks her schedule.

 

"I have fifteen minutes." She looks up then, Ben is very close. She wonders if he's ready to talk about what happened yesterday. "You okay?" 

 

Ben studies her face, and she does the same. She could've probably done without the image of him sleep mussed in her bed to be burned onto the back of her eyelids forever, really, it would be best for her sanity. In this light, the starburst in his eyes are prominent, the warm speckles like planets around them. His cheeks are flushed; she can connect the birthmarks like constellations across his skin.

 

"Sore," Ben says. "But...'

 

He goes quiet. She follows his gaze to find him staring at something on her chest, thinking, _great, is my boob peeking out,_ but no. While her t-shirt _has_ ridden up high on the side, it's mostly her back that was exposed, plus the very furthest edge of the ink on her ribs. The _tattoo_.

 

Rey squirms a little, he sways towards her by a fraction. His lips are ever distractedly plump, but now he's working his jaw in a way that suggests it's leading up to something.

 

"What is it?" he asks, tone deep and severe, and it occurs to her she doesn't have a simple answer.

 

So Rey lifts her shirt with nervous fingers and his gaze zeros in on where the tattoo is exposed inch by inch. He breathes in deeply, and starts mapping every stroke she knows is there with his eyes. She has grown fond of the varying earth-toned dot-work in the center, it blends with her skin tone as if they were her own freckles. The moss-green leaves lift the image like it's growing from her body. Inside the petals, though, every brush of yellow is pure art, butter to lemon-drop to mustard.

 

Ben lifts his hand, clearly unbidden by how he withdraws jerkily, but Rey nods. He holds her stare until his fingers reach the tattoo and trace over it, the most featherlight of touches. He leaves goosebumps in his wake, her stomach flips wildly when she feels him brush along the skin just under her breast.

 

"A sunflower," he murmurs like he doesn't notice, like he's in awe. When it returns to her, his gaze is piercing. "Of course." Slowly, his palm flattens against her ribs, it spans the entire tattoo. The act is possessive and... something else.

 

It drives Rey wild.

 

She's panting at this point, the whole world narrowing to the point where their skin connects. She doesn't know what's gotten into her, she doesn't fancy being owned, but she arches into the touch, her back lifting off the mattress. Ben follows the motion closely. Then his eyes flit across her face, her lips, her eyes. It's his turn to start drawing heavy breaths as she raises her hand and places it over his heart, slowly smoothing it up along his chest. 

 

" _Rey_ ," Ben rumbles, and there's that warning she's come the expect. To anyone else, it would sound threatening, but Rey knows better. Still, she pauses, licks her lips, his eyes drop down. His head dips low.

 

And there's a chime from somewhere on the floor. While they don't quite jump apart, it's a close thing. Ben drags himself away to pick up his sweater and retrieve his phone.

 

He checks the screen, glances at her. "Go get ready."

 

Rey nods, rolls over, crawls to the end of the bed and gathers an armful of clothes to throw on while Ben answers his call.

 

"Uncle," he greets, and Rey's heart is in her throat. It's not long before he sighs and sits on the edge of the bed. "It's okay. I went to see a friend."

 

She disappears in the bathroom, habitually brushes her teeth and finds her hair is in a wild disaray, her cheeks flushed, her pulse racing and longing for a shower. Instead, she quickly pulls her hair into a bun, splashes water on her face and neck and changes into mum-jeans and a soft white shirt. When she gets out to find her shoes, bag, and cardigan, Ben's also fully dressed, drinking water and spinning his car keys on a finger.

 

"Everything okay?" she asks.

 

"People were looking for me, and telling them I'm with a friend apparently gets them very excited," he says as Rey grabs her own keys and pulls the front door open. In the lift he carries on, "My mother will never let this go."

 

"You don't want to tell her you were here."

 

"Not unless you want to. Explaining it would be difficult? I don't know how to explain it to myself."

 

The lift slides open and they walk into the sun. " _I went to Rey for comfort,_ could be taken out of context, yeah," Rey agrees, climbing into the passenger side of his car. "I'm still glad you came to me."

 

"Me too," he swallows, starts the engine. "It-- helped."

 

With the drive being so short, they don't have the opportunity to discuss what happened. Ben does take Rey's hand before she runs off to her lecture and brushes a kiss to her knuckles. Her skin tingles the entire day.

*

 

Kylo Ren

_I keep finding strands of your hair_

 

Rey

_That's a creepy thing to say_

_Do you collect it in a little pile?_

 

Kylo Ren

_You shed like Chewie_

_We should get you one of those pet gloves._

 

Rey

_I bet you say that to all the girls_

 

Kylo Ren

_But I only mean it with you_

 

Rey

_Touché_

 

_*_

 

Wanting to spend time with someone as much a possible, proves more difficult to navigate when you're both swamped. Luke is shadowing Ben all day at the station, slowly handing over responsibility while also opening up the position of a new lieutenant. It's a challenge to appoint someone in-house.

 

Tonight, they're all at an adorable family-run Filipino restaurant for one of Leia's dinners, when it comes up.

 

"You need a little more than be _nice_ ," Ben reasons with Rose. "I have no complaints about Matt, but he's too green, there are more qualified applicants."

 

"Does that mean you won't be on site as often?" Rose asks. "Being Captain includes fewer risks, yes?"

 

"Less physical risks, more personal ones. I'll be working round the clock, only behind a pile of red tape and investigations."

 

"That's better for my peace of mind," Leia cuts in. "Not so much for the hope of one day having a grandchild..."

 

Rey can't help it, she grins at him. "I didn't know you wanted children," she says, innocently, plopping a spoonful of rice in her mouth.

 

"I didn't either." Ben raises a brow in warning. Finn and Poe exchange a strange look. "My mother seems to."

 

"I'm not going to be around forever, you know."

 

"Jesus. This is so inappropriate," he chuckles. "You never gave Luke a hard time."

 

"No. He wasn't the last of the Skywalkers."

 

"Which makes me the chosen one to carry on the legacy?"

 

"I knew you were bright," Luke claps him on the back. "I don't think we have to worry, though. What do you think, _Rey_?"

 

She chokes on a bite. Luke smirks. Dick. "Me?"

 

"A family? After revolutionizing space travel, of course."

 

"Don't pressure her," Leia admonishes, but the way she waits expectantly is very telling that she'd approve of this idea times one-thousand. "Rey's young. She has a lot more time to decide."

 

"Excuse me," Ben protests.

 

Rose comes to the rescue. "Rey's success and choices can stand on their own without motherhood. Women are not defined by their uterus."

 

"I'm going with what Rose said," Rey agrees and high-fives her. "Thanks, love."

 

"I want to." It's Poe who pipes up, and Finn smiles at him. Poe shrugs. "I'd want to have children with the right person."

 

"Oh!" Leia claps her hands. "I'm so happy. This is why you're the favorite."

 

"Seriously!" Ben protests again and Poe mouths _suck it._

 

Finn is still beaming at him, like there's no one else around. "Same here," he says.

 

"What's blood, or a name, anyway, in the face of spirit?" asks Maz, ever critical, but she's also smiling gently.

 

"True," Leia concedes, scanning the table. Luke is still needling Ben, who shakes his head exasperated. Rose winks at Finn, and Poe bites his lip, looking kind of giddy. Maz is slipping Chewie food beneath the table. Han's whole family together. Leia catches Rey's eye, smiles. "We've got everything we need."

 

*

Rey dreams of a sunrise. Sparklers in a cake. Of snow dusting the streets.

 

She dreams of a yellow gift. A man whose life ended too soon.

 

Rey dreams of needles on her skin and rain on her face. She dreams of a woman with green eyes.

 

A palm on her heart.

 

She dreams of light.

 

*

 

The early cold front takes all of New York by surprise. Piles of snow make transport tricky, and Rey's once again glad that everything is in reasonable proximity to her home. She really doesn't envy people who are trapped in traffic jams. The fire department has their hands full with clearing passages and streets. Her lectures are all half empty, and she's already promised five individual mates to send them her notes.

 

Rey has little trouble getting to work on time either, but the cafe is predictably not busy. It's an hour before closing that she takes count of the pastry display and hardly anything has been sold. If customers come in, they are here for hot drinks to warm up or to fill their flasks. Maz regularly donates to the soup kitchen and in this weather, they must want any support available. So Rey boxes up all the fresh items and bags the sandwiches approaching the end of their shelf life. Maz gives her the go-ahead to lock up a little early and instructs her to borrow the milk cart to get it all five blocks down.

 

Despite the fresh dusting of snow, and some broken street lights, she makes it there fine. The shelter is absolutely crammed, but the lady at the office turns Rey's offer to help down and asks to pass on her thanks to Maz for the donation.

 

Her phone buzzes on her way out into the street.

 

Kylo Ren

_You didn't make it to work?_

 

Rey

_Closed early to drop stuff at the soup kitchen_

_It take it you went to the cafe?_

_..._

_I'm close to the station actually_

 

Kylo Ren

_I see you_

 

Rey lifts her head to scan the streets. The sidewalk is mostly abandoned, so it's not hard to spot Ben. He's hurrying towards her, does a funny little skid on the slush to break.

 

"You look like a little old lady with that trolley," he says in greeting. He's wearing The coat, snowflakes catch in his hair.

 

"Says the guy who just almost broke a hip," she teases. "Hi."

 

"Hi." Ben takes the handle of the cart. When she raises a brow, he lifts a gloved hand. "Hey, I just wanted to try it out. I know you have hands."

 

"Fine. I have to get it back to the cafe. I assume you wanted something to wake up?"

 

Ben's mouth quirks a little. "Something like that."

 

Rey only turns on one light behind the bar so she won't have customers knocking at the shutters. Americanos are not a big deal to whip up, she just has to rinse the equipment again when she's done. Ben follows her behind the counter, visibly intrigued by this new angle.

 

"Get the creamer. Here." She thumbs her foot against one of the fridges behind her.

 

Ben does as he's asked, taking a while to find the right carton. "So this is why baristas look down on us mere mortals. Everything is shiny chrome in here, there are lights, timers; there is _steam,_ Rey. Only you know how to work these switches. You hold all the power."

 

"Maybe. But the true power lies within these," she says, holding up his cup. "Your daily fix. I could withhold it. That's where it's at."

 

Ben goes to accept it so she moves it out of reach. "Rey."

 

"You see. People get real cranky," she says but takes pity and hands it over. "On the house. Are you on duty all night?"

 

Ben nods. "Thanks. All week. I can walk you home if you don't mind. Not to be polite, don't worry. I'm really trying to be less considered these days."

 

Rey huffs, double checking that the machine is cooling down and turning off the lights. "As long as you kick a kitten on the way."

 

"I prefer puppies." Ben makes a kicking motion outside. "They travel way further."

 

Rey bursts out laughing, a real belly laugh, there are tears in her eyes. He looks incredibly proud, and when her feet slide on the ice, his arm shoots out in the nick of time. "You're a hazard," she tells him, still not yet entirely recovered.

 

They have to stop for a minute, so he doesn't end up spilling coffee all over them. And once Rey found her footing, he offers his arm properly. "Come on, I'll waste my fix if either of us falls."

 

She can't really argue with his logic.

 

It _is_ rather wholesome, the way they huddling close to navigate the icy sidewalk. Anyone would be forgiven to assume them an item. Like this, the walk takes longer than it usually does, and something foreign stirs in Rey's heart at the way Ben has to look down at her and ducks his head when he chuckles like his happiness is a private thing. He doesn't linger this time, but she stares after him as he disappears into a gentle flurry of fresh snow.

 

*

 

Rey

_Maybe letting you walk me home wasn't so bad_

 

Kylo Ren

_It was torture_

_..._

_We shouldn't do it again._

 

Rey

_Same time tomorrow?_

 

Kylo Ren

_I'll be there._

 

_*_

 

They meet like this all week while their schedule allows them this weird moment in time. Rey has Ben's coffee ready when he gets there as she's closing up. On the last day, the weather front has settled and snow is piled up neatly all around the city. There are snowmen on every corner, some of them are terrible, just lumps that happen to taper upwards; if they didn't have a face, it would look like another pile of snow. It's adorable. They reach her door like every night, nothing out of the ordinary until,

 

"I want you to date me," Ben proposes. "See you regularly, not hang out by chance."

 

A tremor wrecks through her, head to toe. "Ben." It's like opening one door, and the draft violently slams shut another.

 

"No, I can see what you're doing. Just hear me out." He's raking a hand through his hair, scanning their surroundings. "We have a strange history, I know that. Maybe you don't trust me fully. But, Rey, this is-- _good_. I know you feel it, too. The more time we spend together, the more I want to."

 

There's a protective wall that raises inside her. She takes a step back, shakes her head, looking for the first objection that comes to mind. "And where does it go-- the future, even if we don't take into consideration the time we currently have? You know as well as I that my masters will take me somewhere that's _not_ here. Your place is here. What then?" she asks, but he's not really listening to reason, either, she can tell. He swallows, looks away. "You heard your mother, she would like you to settle. That can't be me."

 

"Are you really going to use what my mother wants as a reason?" Ben huffs, rueful. Then he draws closer, looming over her, which is unfair. "We don't have to tell anyone."

 

"I don't fancy hiding. We deserve better." Rey evades his attempt to take her hand. "I can't start something that's doomed to end painfully for everyone involved."

 

"No. You can't _know that_ ," he says through clenched teeth and her eyes sting.

 

"It would mean to lose you," she begs, and he clamps his jaw, nods like he remembers a promise from long ago. "I can't, Ben, _please,_ don't make me."

 

Ben flinches at those words, recoils. "I won't. Goodnight, Rey."

 

*

 

The wall does nothing to fill a Ben shaped void. It's the possibility, a potential that was never realized that leave the deepest marks. It's _reasonable_ , the concerns she voiced, she knows, but while this has nothing to do with it, the walk home the next night feels rather empty. And apparently, she's not alone in that.

 

 

Kylo Ren

_Got home okay?_

 

Rey

_Nope_

_..._

_I'm in a ditch_

 

Kylo Ren

_That's not funny_

 

Rey

_Farewell dear life_

 

Kylo Ren

_Say hi to satan for me_

 

_*_

 

A week later, as has become an annual tradition, Finn invites Rey out for Halloween. He and Poe booked tickets to a bar in the city. She hasn't been out in too long, and is kind of itching to dance. And since the place is rather fancy, she pays a little more mind to her costume. It's hard to believe her luck when she finds a set of white delicately feathered wings at the thrift store. They still cost more but can go with the not-yellow-yellow dress she already owns. It's cold outside, of course, so she dresses it up with tights and ankle boots and has to wear a thick cardigan on the way to the venue. Leia helps her braid her hair into a loose crown in the afternoon because Rey never got the hang of it, and then she adds a touch of metallic gold to her cheekbones just before they leave.

 

"Wowzer," Poe cat whistles when they come to pick her up. "Someone cleans up nicely."

 

"I feel objectified."

 

"You are, I promise," Finn confirms, twirling her in a circle, and she laughs. "You look amazing."

 

"Thanks? You guys, too."

 

Finn is very clearly The Rock, complete with turtleneck, gold chain and fanny pack. Poe is James Bond. She can't decide on how she knows other than the fact that he's in a tuxedo and looks ever so dashing. It's very effective, being this handsome, she'll have to buy him a martini to complete the look.

 

Rose meets them outside by sheer coincidence, and they slip in line with her, despite the booing from people behind them. She's gone classic Mary Poppins with her costume, umbrella and all. The venue really nails the theme, only much classier. There are no fake webs or severed limbs, instead it utilised lighting to give the place an out of the world vibe. While it's very dim inside, slowly pulsing red light makes it feel like entering a living heart. The bar spans the entire downstairs floor. On it, are arrangements of large vases that house more red string lights and small dyed black pumpkins hold what looks like chocolate dipped cherries. Upstairs is darker yet, but more spacious thanks to the dancefloor. The lights here also pulse, but in flashes of blue, green, red. The DJ is dressed up as the phantom of the opera.

 

There's also a corner bar, where they get their first round of drinks. Rey spies a small balcony that's on the way to the restrooms. And since she didn't ask the others if he'll be there, her stomach does a funny thing when she spots Ben herself, weaving his way through the crowd. He's wearing a white shirt, black suit, a striped tie, his _glasses,_ his hair is tamed down _._ He's already greeted everyone he runs into on the way across the dancefloor before it clicks.

 

"Oh my god," she says when he makes it to her corner. Rey wanted to finish her drink before dancing, so she's sitting at the bar. "You're Clarke Kent."

 

His mouth twitches and he ducks his head, even as straight up nerd he looks handsome. He fills a suit as well as he would any other outfit. It's not really a surprise. "I was inspired," he reminds her, then scans her top to bottom, not unlike Poe had, his eyes flash with something heated. "You're... a siren."

 

Rey swallows, a little dazzled, honestly. "Aren't those mermaids?"

 

"No," Ben says, reaching over her shoulder to touch the wings. "According to mythology, they were half women half bird. So enchanting they lured sailors to their demise. These are cool," he adds. "Suits you."

 

"Luring sailors to their demise?"

 

"Flight," he corrects but doesn't elaborate. "But those sailors could've been assholes."

 

"They do sound a bit shallow."

 

He chuckles, but her responding smile is all regret. And then Poe comes over to order some obscure cocktail with Ben. Rey is dragged to the dancefloor by Finn. He stays for two songs until he winks at her and melts subtly into the crowd.

 

It's a woman when she checks who he made way for, gorgeous in that effortless way. Her hair is pink, she has a nosering and olive skin and is dressed as what must be the Greek goddess Artemis, going by the golden moon phases along her collarbone. She offers Rey her name, Felicity, and then her hand to dance and Rey feels eyes on her as she accepts. She came to dance; to enjoy herself. It's nothing she wouldn't normally do. Felicity is a good partner, too, respectful and intuitive. Eventually, though, Rey does scan the room to account for her friends.

 

Finn and Poe are somehow in a conversation with a group of girls made up as the Witches of Eastwick. It's one of Finn's favorite films, so no surprise there, They did a remarkable job with their hair. Fittingly, Rose is dancing with a wizard.

 

Ben, she finds furthest away, hunching over to listen to a woman Rey doesn't recognize. Tall and leggy, and Rey can't blame her, but she's also clearly hitting on Ben. The signals aren't subtle, Rey thinks, as she's trying to decipher _what_ that costume _is_. Maybe it isn't one at all, there's so little of it-- and then Rey catches herself in what she's doing. Jealousy is very unbecoming, it has nothing to do with the other woman. She'd find something to pick on anyway.

 

Ben can flirt, can do whatever he wants. She turned him down.

 

Of course he catches Rey staring, even though he lost the glasses, from across the dancefloor. She looks away.

 

"Hey, doll, you okay?" Felicity asks.

 

Rey had totally ignored her and the dancing. All her worse colors show tonight. "Yes. Fine. Sorry, I think I'll catch some air." And then she bolts.

 

The small balcony door, it turns out, is actually locked. The window beside it, though, unlatches easily, and she manages to climb through into the chilled night. The music is only a muted thrum out here. New York spreads out below the terrace like a galaxy with all its twinkling lights. She breathes, enjoying the cold nipping at her exposed skin and when the music behind her grows louder briefly and then mutes again, she doesn't have to check to know it's Ben.

 

Rey's voice trembles. "I can't believe you fit through that gap."

 

"Stop doing that." His comes from right behind Rey. He grabs the railing on either side of her, caging her in. "Stop hiding."

 

She tries her best to right her breathing. She's shaking, and not from the cold alone. Ben's so close she can hear his every inhale next to her ear, her skin flares with goosebumps.

 

"I'm scared," she whispers wobbly, the words clouding in the air while warm puffs of his breath tickle along her temple.

 

"I know," he says, his lips now brushing the skin there and her head tilts slightly, automatically exposing her neck. One arm creeps around her waist to pull her against his chest. "Me too."

 

Her heart is beating so wildly she's worried it might break through. "Ben," she begs. For what, she doesn't know. Mercy, probably. "What happens when I leave?"

 

"Then, one of us has a pilot license." He turns her around. His eyes skim her features. "Remember? If it's worth it."

 

Rey's still shaking, tears fill her eyes recalling that day. "That's how your parents made it work."

 

"They did," Ben says. "We can." He cups her cheek, catches a tear with his thumb and she leans into the touch. "Unless you don't want to. Tell me what you want, Rey."

 

She shakes her head.

 

"Say it," he demands, desperate, crowding her against the railing

 

"I want you to be safe." Her breath hitches as he dips low so they're face to face. His eyes track her words. "To be happy." She wets her lips and he does the same. "And, unrelated to that, I want you close to me."

 

Ben huffs, hovering a hairsbreadth away. "This close?" he murmurs.

 

Eyes drifting shut in surrender, Rey swallows, nods. "Maybe a little--"

 

Ben's lips are on hers, soft and warm and hungry. And if it's fireworks, they promise then this is more like coming home, an ocean that meets the shore or a sun that's sure to set and rise again, over and over; an inevitability.

 

One of his hands slides into her braid, tilting her face to deepen the kiss. The other finds her lower back to draw her to him. When his tongue traces the seam of her lips, she gasps and lets him in, and he tastes sweet, of mint and strawberry and Ben. She's greedy for him, her hand creeps into the curls of the nape of his neck, as silky between her fingers as she'd imagined. At the scrape of her nails, he groans and it's all she can do to hold on as all her senses, taste, smell, touch become _Ben_ and all the things they've been through seem to come down to this one moment.

 

One palm wanders to her ass, but it's only when he tries to lift her, and she squeaks and clutches onto his shoulders that he sobers. They're on a balcony, it's freezing, and still, the kiss lingers before they break apart, and he sets her back down. Their chests are heaving in tandem, his lips are bruised, hair mussed, his eyes so dark.

 

"Right," he says, squeezes her waist, affectionately and she presses her mouth to his again, quick and soft but no less heated. He smiles against her lips, then she's smiling too, and it's really hard to kiss like this, so they just breathe each other in. "Can I take you home?"

 

*

 

It's a miracle that they make it to his place without any incident. Rey tries to behave herself for the most part out of respect for the poor Uber driver and shoots Finn a message telling him she's gone. Ben removes his tie, takes her hand and doesn't let go until they get there. Once in the lift, they just sort of stare at each other, and when they're finally inside, the world shut out, Rey finds herself in a vacuum that seems to slow down everything.

 

Ben comes up behind her, brushes a chaste kiss to the crown of her head and helps her lose her wings. He goes to get water while she disappears into the bathroom where she leaves her tights behind. She drops her shoes in the hallway next to his after to find him in the lounge waiting on the sofa. His jacket is gone, and his hair in the usually disarray from running his fingers through it. This is her Ben.

 

"Hi," Rey says from the doorway, biting her lip nervously.

 

His gaze travels the whole length of her body to her bare feet and back up. He holds out his palm. "Come here."

 

She pads over to him, but instead of pulling her into his lap like she'd expected, he spreads his knees so she can stand in between them. He cups the bend of her knees with his hands - and, _oh_ , she loves his hands - they're calloused from work but strong and sure as they trail up the back of her thighs, to the swell of her ass, over the lace covering it, bunching up her dress as he goes. He looks up, reading her, as he moves his hands further, along the flat of her stomach and then palms her breasts. Her skin is alight with it.

 

"Ben," Rey begs breathily, raking her fingers through his hair.

 

"You're in my head," he says. His hands drop back out to undo the zipper on the side of her dress. "All day."

 

The top slides off her arms easily and the fabric pools around her feet, leaving her only in sheer panties. Rey's nipples pebble against the cool air and Ben sighs, grabs her waist to bury his face in her stomach, and kisses a searing path to the tattoo as if it's a sacred thing, his breath dancing along the bottom of her breast. He's fully dressed yet she's stripped and squirming in front of him.

 

"What do you want, Rey?" Ben asks like he knows her every thought.

 

She tugs on his collar, fumbling for the buttons. "This, _off_."

 

Thankfully, he helps her rid him of it and then swiftly pulls his undershirt off in one fluid motion. It's Rey's turn to sigh as she maps the new planes of skin, her fingers drawn to the raised edges of his scar, following it up, _up_ until her mouth takes over under his jaw, over his cheekbone and his brow. He seems happy enough to pay attention to her breasts while she does this, and her back arches into his touch. Soon, though, his kisses resume, dipping _low_ , lower, until he presses an open mouthed kiss over the lace - right where she needs it most - and her vision blanks.

 

Now Rey _wants_ to straddle his lap, seak friction but he holds her in place, apparently delighting in the state he's put her in. His fingers ghost along the edges of the lacey seem, gradually slipping underneath, his knuckles finding her wet and wanting and he withdraws. Rey whines.

 

"Do you want me to eat you out, Rey?" he asks, squeezing her ass while kissing her center again and that's an unfair imagine to put in her head right now. A finger teases the crotch of the panties, and her hips seek _more_. "Or do you want my fingers."

 

Heat rises to her face.

 

"Say it."

 

"Your fingers," she whispers, and his grip on her twitches. "Please."

 

Ben does guide her into his lap then, moving aside her panties and dragging one finger through her folds. "You like my hands?" he asks against her lips, his free hand holds her steady at the waist, and Rey nods, a little self-conscious. He gathers more wetness, teases her entrance before pushing inside. "You do."

 

Rey's head drops back on an outright dirty moan that sounds something like, _yes_ , and Ben tilts her chin to claim her lips in a toe-curling kiss. She grinds into his palm as he adds another finger. He's _good_ with his hands like she knew he'd be and she's so _close_ already, it's embarrassing.

 

"Fuck," he swears. Apparently, she said that out loud. His mouth finds her neck, his forearm wrapping around her to really lock her in place and leave her at his mercy while he nips and sucks at her skin. Rey clutches onto his shoulders for dear life, the heat inside her rising steadily as he pumps his fingers in and out, the heal of his palm hitting her just so. "Come on, Rey," he coaxes, his lips brushing her jaw. "Come for me."

 

On his command the heat inside her crests with blinding force and crashes around him, her thighs squeezing, core fluttering, nails digging bluntly into his back. When she comes to, boneless on his chest he's dancing his fingers up her spine, his lips pressed to her temple.

 

"You're unreal," he murmurs. "I could watch you do that all day."

 

Rey pushes herself up so she can kiss him, he's painfully hard between her legs, and a new thrill shoots up her spine. This is Ben wanting her like this. Her fingers go to pop the button on his slacks, but he shakes his head.

 

"I'm out of condoms."

 

Rey hums, pulls back, raises a brow. "Busy few months?"

 

He starts to work his fingers through her braid, undoing it leisurely. He shakes his head again. "More like the last pack expired, and I threw it out. I forgot to replace it. Getting laid wasn't my top priority."

 

It's in the way he says it, that pulls on something in her heart, but she grinds her hips into his, purposeful and slow, and he groans.

 

"Fuck."

 

Her voice is even, she's proud to hear, when she says, "I do have one." She rolls her hips again, and he grabs them to guide her deeper. They moan in unision. "But," she adds, sounding needier already, her breathing growing ragged, leans over to whisper in his ear. "I'm clean and on the pill."

 

Ben's hips buck, and he swears again, "Fuck, Rey." He rises, hauling her with him easily. "Me too."

 

Rey doesn't squeal until he walks them to his bedroom and discards her on his bed. She bounces a little undignified, and he smirks, the bastard, as he peels her panties down her legs.

 

Then Ben takes his time to stare at her like this, completely open and exposed to him.

 

"It's you," he tells her, undoing his zipper and kicking off his pants. When he covers her body with his own, Rey's legs drop open intuitively for him to settle in the cradle of her thighs. She revels in his weight, how he presses her into the mattress and lets her fingers roam the expanse of his back, his chest and stomach, muscels twitching beneath her touch, until she reaches the waistband of his boxers and his hips jerk forward instictively.

 

They make quick work of those, too and then Rey opens up wider to accomodate his hips completely, wraps her legs around his waist while he lines their bodies up.

 

And Ben's eyes _burn_ darker than she's ever seen as he starts to enter her. It's been a while since Rey's been with a guy, but this is _Ben,_ and her body welcomes him slowly, steadily until it doesn't. At the first sign of discomfort, he slows, meeting her lips in another seering kiss. His palm finds her breasts, his thumb flicking her nipple. Then he smooths his hand over her thigh, hiking up her leg. And when she hears his exhale shudder with the sheer effort of restraint it's enough to drive her _mad,_ and she flexes her calves to guide him in the rest of the way.

 

They pause here, chests heaving in tandem, pulse racing, bodies covered in a thin sheen of sweat. And Rey thinks, as she brushes sticky curls from his brow and a wave of emotion swells in her chest so intense she might cry, that this might have been the worse idea; that it might've been heir best.

 

"It's always you," he says like he's inside her head too, always _always_ knowing. He links their hands together slowly; her whole body entirely entwined with his, her mind. His eyes map her face, his lips part and she has to shut her eyes against the _brightness_ of it all. She takes a deep breath, another. "Open your eyes, sweetheart," he whispers, his forehead dropping to hers. "Look at me."

 

_Open your eyes. Look at me._

 

Rey does, tears threatening to spill down her temple. "You came back," she breathes. The words are from a memory, from a dream. "You came back for me."

 

"I did," Ben says fiercly, his body rocking closer, his hands squeezing hers so tight it might hurt. Rey bites down another moan at the dragging, _stretching,_ when he pulls out of her, painstakingly slow, to thrust back in. "I always will."

 

And then he's kissing her, greedy and consuming. She hitches the other leg up too, and they both groan at the new angle. They meet each other thrust for thrust, the heat inside her rising along with the noises escaping her lips, the slip, and slide of their skin. She loves how her breasts feel against his chest. So much, she _has_ to free her hands to find purchase on his back, wanting him nearer, closer still as they rock the frame of his bed together.

 

"Ben," she whines against his shoulder because this is Ben _Ben Ben_ inside her and his rythym breaks.

 

"Shit." His hips stutter, movements growing more erratic, harder, less in control. "Together," he demands, his fingers digging into her hipbone possesively. "Come, Rey, you and I."

 

And with two more deep thrusts, the tension snaps and they shatter together, her back arching off the bed, his face buried in her neck as she flutters around him and he spills inside her, both pulsing and panting and chanting the others name.

 

*

 

It only occurs to Rey after, tangled together, sweaty and spent, that she doesn't _like_ this, that she's always felt trapped by someone, but not here, not now.

 

Ben's head is resting on her boobs making it a little harder to breathe, his fingers drawing idle pattern into her skin around her scar and she's playing with strands of his hair and the mess that she's definitely in down below is almost an after thought. His sheets need changing, that's for certain. Ben even _tried_ rolling off so he won't crush her, but Rey was having none of it. Instead, he drew the blanket over them and settled in. She should be _afraid,_ she knows, but can't find it in herself to be.

 

Eventually, they drift off like this, and when Rey wakes, it's to a chill. Because her arms _are_ naked and it _is_ winter, and her bladder has been screaming for attention for some time. She pokes Ben awake with a finger to his bicep and he grunts and goes right back to sleep. There's no chance she can slither out from under him, even his arms are locked against her, so she kicks him. He doesn't even stir this time.

 

"Ben," she starts to laugh, ruffling his hair because he's ridiculous and huge and she might die here under him. "I'm going to pee in your bed."

 

"Kinky," Ben retorts, groggily and she laughs harder, pinches his ear. "Ow."

 

"I need to go," she warns. _"Now."_

 

He does roll off her then, and when she checks over her shoulder, he's watching her walk butt naked to the bathroom. Rey bites her lip, smiles as she shuts the door. After she's freshened up considerably, she goes to the kitchen for some real hydration and hears him also go into the bathroom. She finds his shirt on the couch and pulls it on.

 

Predictably, it's massive on her and such a movie trope that when she goes to reach for a glass to bring him water too, and Ben comes up behind her for a hug, she laughs again.

 

"What?" he asks into her hair. She spins in the circle of his arms. He's put on tracksuit bottoms, although, to her delight, his chest is still bare.

 

"I'm happy," she tells him, honestly. It feels a little dangerous. "And hungry. But mostly happy."

 

Ben tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, dips down to kiss her forehead all warm affection. "Same," he says, draws back and there's that asshole glint in his eye. " _Starving_."

 

Rey swats at him, and he tickles her sides, and it's not long until he's got her up on the cold countertop, and they're locked in a series of kisses that can only lead to one thing. Ben was hungry for something a little else apparently, as he drops to his knees and his wicket mouth finds his way between her thighs until Rey's vision whites. But instead of letting her return the favor, Ben flips her around and takes her against the counter, the shirt pulled up to her waist, his sweats pulled down, and Rey's tiny kitten noises clouding up the shiny surface. His right arm holds her to him like a vice, his breath hitting the nape of her neck hotly while he admits how good she feels, how much he's wanted to do this to her and coaxes her along with his fingers to tumble over as he finds his own release.

 

It's three in the morning by the time they make it to sleep, a sandwhich, fresh sheet, and shared shower later.

 

*

 

Finn

_This is a wake up service for a certain couple_

_..._

_We saw you leave with Ben_

_don't try to deny it_

_Are you guys okay_

_..._

_Did you lose all feeling in your fingers_

_That Ben is a big guy_

_I'm just sayin_

_..._

_I'm going to call Leia if neither of you contact one of us in the next 30 mins_

_Pick one person_

_A smoke signal will do_

_..._

_Alright_

_3_

_2_

_1_

 

Rey

_Finn_

_Don't you dare_

_..._

 

Finn

_Top of the mornin to ya!_

_Oh wait, peanut, it's noon_

_Tell Ben we want you home by 5_

 

Rey

_Yes mother_

_We're okay_

_Got to sleep... late_

 

Finn

_Alright_

_As you were_

 

Rey

_*eggplant emoji*_

 

Finn

_They grow up so fast_

 

_*_

 

It isn't easier to make time, but there _is_ more of it to spend together. When Ben's not working at night they spend them at either of their places.

 

Suddenly, there are mythology books piling up at Rey's loft - Ben has taken to reading to her at night, his voice lulling her to sleep like nothing else. Rey's course work is scattered at Ben's, there's a drawer full of her clothes and tools. Hers is a mess while his are meticulous.

 

Leia _cries_ at Ben's Birthday dinner when they tell her. Luke is... _Luke_ about it, claims he called it and buys everyone a round of drinks. And it's awkward because neither, Ben or Rey have put a label on what it means, nor do they want to.

 

It's good, what they have - _solid_.

 

*

 

On a snowy sunday morning, Rey is tinkering on her futon with one of the old parts she brought home from Nebraska, she still doesn't have a sofa, but she's not sure she needs one. There's a wrench clamped between her teeth and her hair is falling in her eyes, her socks are mismatching, and she's totally absorbed in the bolt she's trying loosen, when--

 

"I love you," Ben tells her for the first time, apparently having stood watching, leaning against the bathroom doorframe in nothing but a towel.

 

The wrench drops from her mouth, hitting her dead on the knee and she hisses, _"Motherfucker_." Ben chuckles, settling in next to her to rub the throbbing spot himself. Rey has tears in her eyes, from the pain and something else when she pinches his chin to make him face her. "Love really does hurt," she says, and he groans and kisses her.

 

The tools and parts are shoved aside, forgotten, for now, her linens have grease stains from that day she will never wash out. Ben Solo has always had great timing.

 

*

 

With time, though, as graduation draws near, they start to bicker. It's out of pain and fear and love, and when Rey gets the job offer of her dreams, they both know she'll take it. Ben's place is in New York, with his mother, the station, their friends. And while it's not easy, they make long distance work for a year. A year in which his pilot license does pay off. Rey is the only one who's partner flies a Falcon to come to see her.

 

Not that she's one to brag.

 

The year is enough, though, she misses Ben and her family so much, it's a physical ache. So when a project leader at the NYC headquarters requests Rey directly for the experience she gained working with the prototypes in Nebraska, she requests to relocate her primary employment to their labs. She'll travel for weeks at a time if other sites need her, but this is best of both worlds.

Ben picks Rey up from the airport, drives them to his place, and from that day forward she doesn't leave his side for longer than her career requires.

 

*

 

Finn doesn't leave, either. He earns his medical license and lands a position at the pediatric unit in the hospice near their home and Poe proposes to him the day he receives his Dr badge.

 

Their wedding is only two years later, and Finn _doesn't_ make Rey wear an ugly dress as his bridesmaid. Rose planned the entire thing like a pro. It's beautiful and magical, and if Rey weren't in love with the best man already, she would've fallen for Ben that warm summer night dancing under the stars. She _does_ give a speech, recalling all the times while cramming for med school when Finn passed out in his food. All the times he was there for her. And the times she knows Finn is at his happiest, which is when he's with Poe. It's not a great speech, but it's true. Rey also _swears_ that Leia somehow systematically arranges for her to catch the bouquet.

 

Finn and Poe adopt a baby son not much after. They name him Han. He's the luckiest boy alive.

 

*

 

Rey asks them for permission to take him to the Solo airfield as soon as he can waddle. He has his fat fingers, sticky from the banana he's just used to draw with on the workshop floor, wrapped around her pointer finger. When they reach the end of the runway, Ben catches up, a bunch of sunflowers in his hand.

 

They lay them to rest there, an endless silent thank you, and on the way back, tell little Han all about his grandfather who's legacy surpassed blood and name. Who instead lives on in spirit.

 

*

As for Rey and Ben, they aren't in a rush and when the day does come where the test turns out positive, and they decide on a small ceremony at the edge of the treeline, and Leia holds the granddaughter they name after her in her arms, and long nights follow days, and life grows louder than they could ever imagine as she grows, and she discovers she loves color and wants to be an artist, then, Ben and Rey, they do it all together. And would do it all again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Gods I hope Jyn and Rey don't end up being related. That would make this awkward. And yes I get the irony of the gimmick for this story being Halloween, but while Adam might hate it, we all know Ben's dramatic ass would love it. Please validate me below.


End file.
